Thursday, June 28, 2012

Back in BA, therefore, Bitchtouring again

Hello my friends,

So, I´m back. I have to admit that I have to get used to Buenos Aires again, the city is kind of rough when you first arrive and you definitely need someone to take care of you. Thank god I have myself, but you, poor thing? You are alone. Well, not anymore, I´m back in business at least till the beginning of August, when I will head back to the US.
How are you doing? Did anything remotely interesting happened in the city? New restaurants to recommend?
Now I have to go. No, I don´t have to do anything interesting, but I have to catch up with my siesta time, which I completely neglect while in the northern hemisphere.
The one and only

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

UPDATE: Not working for a while

Hello everyone,

This is just a quick note to let you know that I won´t be working for the next 7 months (starting December 24th).
I´ll be living in the US for that time, so all the bitches in the US, I´d be happy to take your tour (free of charge, of course, cause I´m the queen of all bitch-tour-guides and you owe me).
That´s it for now.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Summer activities

Buenos Aires tends to be a culturally dead city during the summer (specially on January); theaters close, the bands go on tour to the shore, etc, etc. But you don´t have to worry: first, because I can fill the emptyness of your life with one of my tours, and second, because the city organizes tons of cool activities including concerts, live theatre and movies. 

Go here to see all the schedule.

One more thing. I need stuff from the US, if you are visiting BA and you have a kind heart so you want to help me, please let me know.

Enjoy the summer!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Top 5: "Questions frequently asked by tourists"

The guys from BAcast invited me to participate in the episode 9 of their podcast and I had to explain them which are the questions that my clients (AKA tourists) ask more frequently. Please don´t feel bad if you were a client of mine and asked one or more of these questions (you probably did).

Anyway, listen to the show, they explain a lot of usefull things about Buenos Aires and Argentina, for instance, in episode 9 they explain the "laws of mate" (if you don´t know what Mate is, well, then you are screwed, read Argentina for dummies or something).

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Kill these people. Seriously. Kill them

Whoever organizes, takes part, likes or is related in any way to these people; deserves to die:


"This recreational social GAME that is gaining adherents is: default aimless wandering along (at a safe distance) beautiful ass.

The aim is to have fun and enjoy the beauty of the back streets of Buenos Aires. (Regardless of gender)

The group is mobilized in procession behind a beautiful ass CHOSSEN by the one THAT has the function of DETECTOR.

The DETECTOR leader acts as a one-time choosing the ass after which we will go. and immediately produced the first electION the FUNCTION OF detector becomeS exercised by another g member OF THE GROUP who, as we pursue the actual ass , elects another Rear worthy of being watched and admired and so on.

TODAY July 14 ,FROM 15.00 hours we will concentrate on the corner of Florida and Corrientes to kick in Buenos Aires this social event.

It requires punctuality and strict observance of the distance and appropriate language.

Bring your camera, recorded and then go up the videos on youtube.

Invite all your friends and contacts!. .

More details? Call/text Daniel to 15 4938 4151 

If anybody else than the creep who organizes this shows up, I´ll lose my faith in human kind.

Hasta luego (this is in spanish: learn)

Friday, May 14, 2010

Job offers for expats

Are you looking for a job in BA? Good for you! There are so many great positions available for you that will give you the chance to spend time in BA and earn a lot of $$$

Here is a list of things that you could be doing (these are real ads from CL):

  • We're looking for expats, tourists, students in Buenos Aires to participate in a focus group about food delivery in the city. In exchange we are offering FREE LUNCH

  • Save Your Rent Money! Housing for Work (40 hours a week in exchange for a shared room)

  • What we are looking for:

     Native English speaker or very high level of English

     Other languages are a plus (German or Dutch)

     Excellent communication and writing skills

    Experience in writing is appreciated

    Availability to work a minimum of 20 hours a week during a period of 3 months      Compensation: free spanish classes

  • Native English preferred, with a good level of Spanish
    Flexible hours, initially working from home
    Great experience, particularly for somebody interested in going through the MBA application process themselves
    Pay after trial period 
So, now you know, if you want to become a millionaire anytime soon, you should definitely come to BA

Thursday, May 06, 2010


For those who were wondering if I was still alive, here I am (alive).
I do not like to talk about my private life a lot, but I think it´s fair to explain why I´m not writting as often as I used to: I´m back at school. Yes. That´s the reason why. (Note to myself: I should talk about attending university in Buenos Aires)
So that´s basically it.
Oh no! that´s not it: I moved again. I live in Palermo with all the new-richs and wannabes of Buenos Aires. It´s a long story that I´m not going to tell. (Note to myself: I also have to write about the pros and cons of living in Palermo) (Note to myself: you don´t HAVE TO do anything, you are not getting paid for this)(Note to myself: If you don´t write you won´t get new clients)(Note to myself: shut up or I kill you)(Note to myself: is this being burn out?)
Anyway, how are you doing?

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Be a responsible tourist

Hi, How are you doing? Enjoying the city? Great!
So... Don´t you think that you´ve had enough ASADO already? Don´t you think that it´s time to stop buying LEATHER goods and do something good for other people? You do? Great then.
Tomorrow there will be an event "TANGO FOR HAITI" where they´ll be collecting food to take to Haiti. Bring Powder milk or rice and you will be able to enjoy a tango concert with a lot of different (and good) singers. (plus, you´ll be visiting a neighborhood you´d never go to otherwise).

When: Sunday 31, 7 PM
Where: La Alameda, Av.Directorio corner with Lacarra, Parque Avellaneda
Why: Because you are a good responsible tourist

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Feliz Navidad

The years go by and I´m becoming nicer and nicer.
This time I just want to say Feliz Navidad (or Merry Christmas, in case you skipped your holiday-special spanish lesson).
As a nice person that I am (and also as a christmas gift) I´m going to list some facts that you should know if you are someone who has just arrived (and you are feeling lonely and looking for good parties where to drink till you forget that your parents don´t love you enough or something like that)

1. There are no good parties on christmas eve and/or Christmas day
2. There are some crazy porteños who might feel sorry for you and invite you to their house (look for them)
3. There are tons of people just like you in your hotel or hostel who are looking for another lonner to spend the holiday with
4. The day after tomorrow it´s only 2 days away

Merry X-mas

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Just say Hola

I was on my way to visit a friend when I decided I was going to buy some pastries for the tea. I was not in my neighborhood so I entered in the first bakery I saw.  The counter was right across the front door, and behind the counter, of course, the owner of the store. I said "hi", he didn´t respond. I said," how much does the dozen of pastries cost?". "14". And half a dozen? He pretended that he hadn´t listened and he continued doing what he was doing: Nothing.

In other circumstances I would have left immediately, but I really wanted to buy pastries and I had no idea where to find another bakery (plus, I was already late).
I pick up the pastries I wanted and I went to the counter to pay:

Him: 14
Me: Ok (and I gave him a 20)
Him: Change? 
Me: no (come on!!! A 20 is change)
Him: One peso coin?
Me: no, I don´t have
Him: ugh

He handed me my change and the pastries. He hated me. I could tell. 

As I was leaving I though "I´m never ever coming back to this place" when suddenly I hear "holaaaaaaaaaaaa" I turn around and I see a lady walking inside the bakery and to my surprise, it was the same guy saying hi like if the woman was her grandmother waking up from her grave. 

So, what´s the moral of the story: People who own small businesses here haven´t (and are not whiling) to learn how it´s done! I mean, the lady was obviously an old customer, whatever, but, hello, in order to have old customers you have to treat the new ones decently. I don´t mean "you have to love me because I´m spending 14 pesos here" but at least say hello. Anyway. I´m not going back to that store. One more store on my black list.

That´s it for today.

By the way, there is a Jazz festival going on, don´t miss it. 

Friday, November 13, 2009

The Night of the museums...

... Is tomorrow. So don´t miss it. There will be a lot of activities, a lot of them crappy, but mostly good stuff.  Here you can read more about it.

Monday, October 26, 2009

The day of the cafes

Today, the city is celebrating the existence of the the traditional cafes (we call them Cafes Notables). And usually when the government of the city wants to celebrate something, they hire some tango bands to play, and this is not going to be the exception.
The cafes notables are a must-see. So make sure you go to any of them during your stay. And remember that if you go today (monday 26th) you might also see a traditional tango orchestra or some tango dancing, or something tango related.

London City - Avenida de Mayo 599
6 Billares - Avenida de Mayo 1265
La Perla - Avenida Pedro de Mendoza 1899
Bar de Cao - Independencia 2400
El Preferido de Palermo - Jorge L. Borges 2108
Etc, etc (etc means, do your own research or pay for the information)

Sunday, September 27, 2009

In a good mood

Positive things about MY city

1. Nobody is too busy to pay attention to you.

That´s right. Even if you are trying to communicate in your "spanish", you have 98% chances that people will stop what they are doing to hear you mumbling. And there are great chances that they´ll understand what you want.

2. People say what they think in most occasions

For instance if we want to say: "stop doing that" we say "stop doing that" and not things like "I think that you don´t need to do that, it´ll be better for you" or " How interesting that thing that you are doing, I wonder how it´d be if you didn´t do it". We cut right to the chase.

3. People fall in love with you no matter if you own a car, house, money or if you are a starving artist.

I know, some people may argue this. But those are the same ones that pay for sex or are trying to date supermodels.

4. Your family and friends will always live close by.

Nobody has the courage to move far away (our mothers would die), so you´ll always celebrate your birthdays with all the people you love because they probably live around the corner.

5. Kids are accepted everywhere.

You´ve heard about a house party that you want to attend but you have nobody to leave your kid with? Bring him to the party, probably somebody else will bring kids too.

6. I live here

I make Buenos Aires a better place

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Erotic BA

In case you´ve traveled without your sexual toy (I´m sure you didn´t) or that you are looking to buy a new one, you are lucky, because you can go to the Xex Buenos Aires expo erotica.

What kind of things you can find there? Well, basically all the stuff that you need if you decide to stay every night at your hotel instead of checking out Buenos Aires nightlife.
They´ll be having people talking about sex, and sexy dancers, and everything that has the word sex in it.
september 25 y 26 (it opens at 6 PM, it´s not a book festival)
Alsina 940

Friday, August 14, 2009

Tango Festival Starting Today

Hi There, it´s been a while since my last post. So, Hello, I missed you, my people.

So, the Tango Festival starts today. This is THE tango festival, so make sure you attend any of the activities they will have. You have detailed info here.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009


I´ve notices that with all the influenza thing the population of Buenos Aires has developed a new syndrome. The middle-aged-housewife syndrome (also called loser-without-a-job syndrome). This terrible disease consist in watching a lot of TV(specially the news) and buying every single crap that they say. If we have 100.000 people with Influenza N1H1, we have about 12.000.000 with a severe case of middle-aged-housewife syndrome.

The consequences are out there: people are travelling to uruguay to buy the miraculous Tamiflu (I don´t get it, why is it that a medicine that was made for the chicken flu also works with the pig flu? Does it work with any animal flu, or only with farm animals flu?), there are giant lines to buy alcohol, and the streets are a desert (for Buenos Aires standards).
But what bugs me the most is the reaction that a cough or a sneeze can provoke on the people with middle-aged-housewife syndrome. Oh my God! People get furious when someone sneezes, even if you cover your mouth. They give you a look like if you were urinating in public!!!
 I have a cold, is winter, I sneeze, I cough and your ugly look is only going to make it worse. I´ll throw my tissue at your face. I´ll touch your eyeball with my infected hands. I´ll give you a french kiss. So please, leave me and the rest of the world that has a cold, alone. And if you are so paranoid, go to your house and enjoy your syndrome.

Friday, July 03, 2009


You are probably fully aware of the influenza thing going on. I mean the hysteria, paranoia and all that.

If you have tickets to a concert or you were planing to attend a soccer game you should check that it´s actually happening before you go.
You still have plenty of things to do (taking a bitch tour for instance).
see you

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Buying Property in BA

Before buying property in Buenos Aires, you have to think twice. And after you meditated for hours and you came to an affirmative answer, think twice again.

This are a few things that you should know:

1. Realtor: Realtors in Buenos Aires are among the nastiest, filthiest creatures in the world, right next to the guys that kill baby seals by hitting them with a stick. I don´t like generalizations (that´s a lie, I love love love generalizations), but in this case, lets just say that an honest realtor is only the exception that confirms the rule. When they say "I give you my word" in realtor's language this means "I´m sooooo screwing this foreigner, hahahhhahhahaha". You must check absolutely everything the realtor says. Is he/she saying "the apartment is in Palermo"? Go to a map and check it. Is he/she saying "the roof is part of the property"? Check it with the notary. Is he/she saying "There is another person interested in the property"? Then you have the certainty that you are the only person interested.

This is how realtors look like in BA

2. The notary. The notary must be someone completely separate from the realtor. If the realtor says that he/she can recommend a notary, make sure that you won´t ever call that person in your entire life. It doesn´t matter if you trust the notary that the realtor is offering. You need your own notary. Get it? Otherwise they will team up and screw you (and make fun of you while they celebrate with the commission they got from you)

3.The neighbors. Neighbors are a pain in every part of the world, sure. But here, they can totally make your life miserable. Make sure that you read and understand the rules of your building before you buy the apartment, otherwise, you might end up cleaning your neighbor´s butt because it´s written in the rules.

Meet the neighbors

4. The administrator of the building. Every single one of them (administrators of the consortium) is a piece of sh.... Here there are no exceptions. Your roof has a leak? The entire apartment is flooded? The rats ate your pet? He/she won´t give a damn. You might think, "but he/she must solve my problem, I´m paying for that". Get real! For these people, that kind of argumentation is a joke. You might wonder, "What should I do them?" Cry. Or kill.

This is an administrator I know

If you still want to buy property, this is what you HAVE to do:

Call a porteño friend that has nothing to do with the operation. This means, someone who will not make any profit from it. This person can´t be related in any way with
A.The realtor 
B. The notary
C. The administrator 
D. The owner of the apartment
That friend will be in charge of finding out in advance in which way they can screw you and his/her job will be to prevent you from that. Believe me, they can screw you in ways that your not-porteño mind couldn´t even dream about.

So, you don´t have a friend? It doesn´t matter, I´m offering a new service. ANTI-Porteños advice. I´ll be the person who will make sure that those bastards won´t rip you off.

If you are reading this and you´ve already been screwed by this people, please share your story. 

Best luck. You´ll need it

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Buenos Aires Polo Circo

Hi, Next week there will be a Circus Festival here in the city. For what I know, this is the first official circus festival. Performers will come from all over the world to probably kick our circus artist´s butts. 

Anyway, if you are interested here you will find more info:

Monday, June 22, 2009

A Musical Break

From Tuesday to Friday, you can take a break from your tourist/business/student life and go to one of the following places to listen to live music.

MartesCatedral Anglicana de San Juan Bautista (25 de Mayo 282)
MiércolesHall del Teatro San Martín (Corrientes 1530)
JuevesTeatro Presidente Alvear (Av. Corrientes 1659) 
Viernes: Plaza San Martín (Florida y Santa Fe)

All the concerts start at 1PM 
Completely free
Till June 30

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