Just say no

I`ve heard that Starbucks is coming to Buenos Aires. I don`t like them. I don`t like those big chains where you have to order the coffee at the counter. I hate that they use those plastic glasses and that you can take the coffee and drink it while you are walking. I don`t like that they all look identical and that they make their staff wear those stupid uniforms. Besides, with all the nice, interesting places we have here do we really need places like Havanna or Aroma? This is against our porteño laid back nature. This places take away the pleasure of being sited for 15 minutes (or 3 hours) just drinking your coffee, looking through the window or reading the newspaper (and in some cases cruising with the rest of the coffee drinkers).

One of the worst things is that the interesting crazy people don`t drink their coffee in this kind of place. For example in the bar in front of my place( that is not a cool place at all, but it is a really porteño bar) there is this guy who is probably 95 years old (maybe he is 65, bu he drinks a lot of wine) and he goes there almost every night. The first time I saw him It was kind of scary so I sat in the table in front of his but facing the opposite direction. Suddenly I heard him talking to another person. I stopped what I was doing (nothing) and I started to pay attention.He was saying something like; Oh! what a nice girl, don`t you think? And he changed his voice to a mickey mouse voice and he responded to himself, yes she is really pretty, lets say Hi. I panicked, of course, I didn`t want this wacko to come and say hi. But he didn`t. He just kept talking with his invisible puppet describing every single thing I did. For example. Oh, now she needs to go to the bathroom, or She is going to ask for the check, don`t leave us!!!. I must say it was a little strange and scary, but picturesque. Imagine a guy like that in a place like Aroma, the guards would kick him out in a second.

Just say no. Find a real bar, and even if it`s smelly, the waiters are rude, and the coffee tastes like piss, go there. You never know what you could fin in a place like this, but you already know that people who goes to chains are plain and boring and nothing exciting happens in there.

In A chain

Someone can steal your purse/wallet/laptop

In a real bar

You are drinking coffee with the ones that steal wallets in the coffee chains

In a chain

Every once in a while someone really busy who has no time to relax for 5 minutes while he/she drinks coffee dies from a heart attack

In a real bar

someone can stab you in the back to drink your coffee

In a chain

They have a lot of tv´s and music at the same time so you cannot enjoy none of them

In a real bar

they have a shitty tv that they turn on only to watch football games

That`s all I have to say. I have to go now. I`m going to drink some coffee at my favourite dump.

Now hiring!!!!

I always meet foreigners who are looking for jobs in Buenos Aires. The problem is that they don`t speak the language or they are not going to stay for long so nobody would hire them. Plus they don´t have a working visa (this is not a big deal, but...)

I`ve just opened an employment agency and I´m hiring people so please check the ads below and if you qualify, maybe I`ll hire you....

Position: Street Tango Dancer

Where: La boca

Requirements: Having both legs is mandatory. Being a beginner tango dancer is a plus but is not required.

The job: basically you´ll have to pretend that you know how to dance tango. That´s it.

Salary: Based on the kindness of the tourists

Position: Taking care of parked cars

Where: Palermo

Requirements: Having a piece of cloth that you can shake so people can see you. You have to be scary so people will feel force to tip you

The job: Simple. Harass people that are parking in the palermo soho area, tell them that you´ll watch their car while they get drunk and ask for a tip. Scratch the cars when they don`t tip you.

Salary: Based on your proficiency

Position: Selling toilet paper

Where: Bathroom of restaurants, etc, etc

Requirements: Toilet paper, a little table to put the pieces of toilet paper that you will carefully fold

The job: removing the toilet paper from the stalls so people will be forced to pay you in order to clean their private parts.

Salary: Based on the number of times people have to go to the bathroom.

Please send you CV and picture ASAP

My comments are not working...

what`s going on? Am I being punished or what?

New section: INTERVIEWS !!!!

Hi guys. Welcome to my talk show. Today I`m going to interview my first guest. He couldn't make it to the studio but he came while I was taking my nap (in case you didn`t get it he appeared on a dream) and here is what he said:

Diva: Hi! how cool to meet you! I guess I`m a lucky girl...

GOD: Hi, it`s a pleasure to be here with you. And I`m the lucky one

(Laughs)

Diva: So Why did you chose to come to Buenos Aires this Saturday?

GOD: Ok, I think is time to say it: I`m planing to the end with this world within a few years, and I think that Buenos Aires is the perfect place to start everything all over again.

Diva: Are you saying that me and the rest of the porteños will be the chosen ones?

GOD: You are on my list, but not all of the porteños. For example people that throw garbage in the streets, bad taxi drivers, politicians, Internet trolls and street tango dancers(the fake ones) are not going to survive.

Diva: That makes sense. I would add more people to your list: bus drivers that don`t stop when you hail them; restaurateurs that give you old bread on the basket, people that scream when they talk and people that vomit in parties.

GOD: Don`t worry, I`ll kill those too.

Diva: And why do you think that Buenos Aires would be the best place to start a new human kind?

GOD: Well, you already know that: The porteños are the most intelligent people on earth, and not just that, they are also great lovers, funny and honest.

Diva: Wow, I thought that I was just arrogant, but apparently what we think about ourselves is all true. I`m glad to hear that.

GOD: It is as truth as the fact that buenos Aires has the most beautiful women on earth. I guess you can prove that every time you look in the mirror

Diva: Oh God! Are you flirting with me?

GOD: I`m just being honest my dear. Ok, I don`t have a lot of time, I have a lot of work to do you know...I`ll try to stop a war between 2 galaxies. I wish I could stay but...

Diva: I understand. One last question: What message would you give to the tourist that are visiting Buenos Aires?

GOD: I have a couple of things to tell them...

#1 - If you cannot see the beauty of this paradise on earth you are not on my survivors list

#2- Forget the guide book and read the blogs

#3- If you don`t hire Diva as your bitch tour guide, you suck (plus you are going to die...soon)

Jazz in Buenos Aires

Yesterday the Jazz festival started. You have 10 days to enjoy it.

More info

Questions

Porteños have no limits when it comes to asking questions to random strangers on the street. I mean you are walking (sometimes in a hurry) and someone would stop you just to ask something that probably nobody knows. I`m not talking about asking for directions, I talk about weird stuff...
Yesterday for example. I was walking to the bus stop. I was listening music so I had my headphones. I was waiting to cross the street and I saw that the guy next to me was talking to me. I remove my headphones to be able to hear what he was saying...

Do you think that it`s warm or cold? That was his question!!!
And he wasn`t trying to pick me up or anything he was seriously asking that. After I answered (I said "I think is not that cold") He removed his jacket. Apparently he only felt the warmness of the weather when he heard it from me...

Which Achura are you?

Discover more about you personality: Read each achura* type and decide which one match you (and let me know)

*the achuras are all the things that we cook on the parrilla-or BBQ- that are not cuts of meat

Morcilla type (blood sausage): You are a little overweight (men) or you have all the fat in the wrong places (women). Probably you suffer hormonal problems so you have hair in the wrong places too. Not everybody likes you, that`s probably the reason why you are still single. People judge you by your name and appearance and the never get to know the tender inner side of you.

Chorizo type (Sausage): You have this blushing problem that makes you turn red all the time and you are ashamed of it, but the rest of the people think that`s charming .Girls think that you are a good lover, and they can`t get enough of you. Men just want to see you on Sundays cause you are too heavy to also stand you during the week.

Molleja type (sweetbreads): men, you are the ugliest guy on earth, and you look like if you were sick all the time, but you always get all the attention. You have a lot of charisma, that`s why everybody wants to invite you to every asado. Sometimes you don`t show up, just to probe that we want you badly!!!

Chinchulin type (intestines): I don`t care what people say, I love you. Yes. You are not the brightest or the best looking person on earth, but I can wait for you as long as it takes. If you are in a bad mood, people will ignore you, but if you are feeling good, you rock!!! You are tall and you always stick out. Foreigners don`t like you, I don`t know why they reject you without even talking with you first.

Riñon type (Kidneys): This is the most common type among Argentinian women. Beautiful curvy brunettes that piss you off. They are ok, but you never want to really know them cause you know what`s inside and you don`t like it. They are good company , pretty fun and interesting people though.

Provoleta type (not exactly an achura, but...) (grilled provolone): Everybody feels happy when you arrive, but you always stay for 5 minutes, top. You are mysterious, nobody knows from where you are or where you are going, and everybody admires your ability to vanish. You don`t like to waste your precious time. You are a family kind of guy. You like kids and they love you.

Buenos Aires, every time I see you, I love you more

What a romantic political campaign!!!

And here are other signs that you probably haven`t seen because they haven`t been approved (or censored in some cases) ...

Buenos Aires, every time I hear you, I feel like asking you on a date.

Buenos Aires, every time I smell you, I want to lick your dirty sidewalks.

Buenos Aires, every time I walk around you I want to touch your obelisk.

Buenos Aires, every time I`m wondering around, I want to go deep into all your tunnels.

These guys know how to get more votes...

Winter party

Fact:
We go out very late and we come home very late (or early in the morning if you wish)
Fact:
It`s cold outside, winter is coming (at last)
Fact:
I`m starting to listen to this phrase (I said it too) "It`s too cold to go out, I`ll stay and read or watch a movie"
Fact:
There are no places where you can go f you want to party early. (Ok, maybe an after office, but that`s not cool enough)

Someone should organize an early party. I don`t want to chang all our habits, but at least 1 day a week it would be so cool to have a party at 10 pm...
If someone thinks that this is possible, please, do something. I`ll help.

Bye

The typical 8 working hours of a porteño

9.17 AM - The Porteño arrives at the office (Sorry, but the piqueteros were cutting the street so it took me forever to get here, it won`t happen again)

9.17 to 9.55 AM- The porteño has breakfast at the desk (I had a terrible night last night I could hardly sleep, I need some coffee . And of course something to eat, otherwise i`ll faint)

9.55 to 10.30 AM - The porteño Works

10.30 to 11.07 AM - The porteño needs to make an emergency phone call (Hi honey, what are you doing? Uh, that sounds sexy. Tell me more!!! Are you wearing that sexy underwear I gave you?)

11.07 to 11.35 AM - The porteño goes to the bathroom (Nobody ever dared to ask him what does there for so long and nobody will. But everybody knows that he is not doing the "normal" stuff)

11.35 to 12.oo PM - The porteño starts to work hard one more time after relieving himself.

12.00 to 1.oo PM- The porteño Chats on MSN

Aguante boca says:
I`m sick of this job, I work like a slave
Capo666 says :
Tell me about it, I`m sick of my job too.
Aguante boca says:
What are you doing tonight?
Capo666 says:
Nothing, I have to do some papers for tomorrow
Aguante boca says:
Are you kidding me?
Capo666 says :
No, my boss would kill me if I don`t finich that. I can`t go out tonight
Aguante boca says:
Then don`t show up tomorrow. Just call in sick
Capo666 says:
you`re right
Aguante boca says:
Ok, see at lunch.
Capo666 says:
Ok, I`ll be there in 5 minutes

1.oo to 2.35 PM - The porteño eats lunch with other porteños(The restaurant was crowded, that`s why I spend half an hour longer, but don`t worry, tomorrow, I`ll just take a 30 minutes lunch break)

2.35 to 3.00 PM- Once more, the porteño focuses on Working hard

3.00 to 4.00 PM - The porteño needs a Coffee break (Hi guys, I need some fresh air, lets go for a coffee and a cigarette)

4.00 PM- The porteño leaves early (Remember I told you I had an appointment with the doctor? And I cannot cancel it cause I have this very very bad liver problem , who knows, maybe I have cancer and I don`t even know...Anyway, I`ll be late, I cannot waste more time)

War between BA bloggers???

Hey, what`s going on? Suddenly I`m receiving all the comments about a blogger whose blog was censored . What`s going on?


Why don`t we stop fighting? Or at least why don`t we stop paying attention to the people that we don`t like? Like when you are walking on the street and a guy screams you nasty things; you don`t loose your time responding (well probably this does not happen to the guys, but you get my point).


Lets try to write better blogs and not read the ones that we don`t like.



This picture is from Cuteoverload.

Love Love Love (I can be cheesy too)

Sad Diva