7 random things about me

Pip in the city tagged me for this meme. So here you have some 7 random (I would add also uninteresting) things about Diva.





1. My new dream is to be a journalist. So if you want to take a bitch tour, is now or never.


2. I cannot stir my my tea7coffee if the spoon is not entirely made of metal or plastic ( I cannot stand the combination of metal and wood or metal and plastic, it gross me out)


3. Whenever someone ask me about my favourite book/movie/music, I completely forget about what I read/watch/listen so it takes me like 5 minutes to answer (but most of the times I don´t answer)


4. I never find shoes in my size, because every shoe store has only one pair in size 40 so basically if someone buys it I´m screwed.


Shoe makers in argentina: haven´t you noticed that you always sell all the 40´s? Please make some more!!!!!


5. Some colors ( like lime green) makes me want to vomit if I wear them


6. I was allergic to my favourite fruit (strawberries) as a kid but I cure myself by eating them and getting sick and then eating them again and getting a little bit less sick and so on....


7. I think that animals are cuter than babies (I know I´m a monster, but that´s that)





Ok, I´m done.

Friend´s day in Buenos Aires...

...is today.

Maybe you think "oh how sweet to celebrate that". For me it´s just bullshit. Don´t misunderstand me, I have a bunch of good friends , but I don´t think it´s necessary to set up a date to celebrate friendship cause it´s something you do every time you see them. ´Like meeting your friend is something that you always do with pleasure, you don´t need a excuse to hang out with them...We should celebrate "single annoying aunt´s day" cause otherwise who would even remember her. At least she would have a reason to live. Poor woman, nobody is visiting her, but at least she knows that once a year her phone will ring and it´s not going to be an annoying telemarketer.

Everybody hates me for being anti friend day (everybody= my friends). They cannot understand that I´m not going to call them to say happy day" I talked to you 10 hours ago, I´m meeting you tomorrow for lunch, Is it really so necessary to say happy friend`s day?" they give me this look as if I was the most insensitive person in the world.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about what I think that friend days are, and here are some examples:



Friend´s day is when....



Your friend has just broken up with his/her couple and they need you to be there for a minimum of 24 hours to tell you the same things that he/she has been telling you for the last 5 years. But this time is worst cause he/she is drunk, smells bad and screams all the time.



Your friend tells you that he/she needs to borrow money from you because he/she is going to loose her/his house if he/she doesn´t pay the mortgage. And you go to the bank, you withdraw the money you were saving for that dream trip you´d been planning for a year and you give it to him/her.



Your friend tells you that he/she was drunk and he/she had sex with your boy/girlfriend....................

hahahaha, just kidding. In that case it would be your friend´s LAST day.



Ok, after all my speech, I just want to say. Happy friend´s day!!!!

Who is Diva? The life of a part time Bitch

I´ve been meditating about me and my blog.

As you all know, Diva is not my real name and is not who I am (in case that´s not clear). It´s just an exaggeration of one of the many characteristics of my personality. I´m a lot more than a bitch in real life ( note to bloggers: this is not real life!!!). I know that sometimes is difficult to see the difference between the writer and his/her work (I´m calling myself a writer , how pretentious is that? Donnie, please don´t hate me), but please when you read my blog, try to make that difference. I´m just a part time bitch, and that can be hard.

It has been really interesting to see the reactions of people (who read my blog) when they meet me for the first time. Everybody expects something different. I get a lot of "hey, you are not being mean to me, what´s wrong with you?" or " I thought you were more timid/outgoing/flirty/stupid/short/smart/etc". I think I´m doing a good job as a fiction writer, cause clearly, nobody can tell who I am by reading this (and that was my intention).

This is my job. It´s hard, as any other job, but someone has to do it, and God has chosen me and there´s not much I can do about it. Besides, there is a lack of Bitch tour guides, have you noticed that?. Who knows why... Should we put the blame on the universities? Or maybe we should blame the government for having all the bitches working for them as politicians?

Anyway, I think I have to open my own school and teach all those poor girls what is all about.

I´ll blog about that some other time. This was all just to say that I´m nice, ok? Believe it or not. I hope I don´t loose clients for saying this...

By the way, I´ve written something for Alan Patrick, you can read it here

Tango & Mass

Tomorrow there is going to be a very strange event. A catholic mass dedicated to Buenos Aires but with tango kind of songs... At least that´s what I´ve understood.

A simphonic orchestra will be playing and the choir of the UBA will be singing.

Tuesday 17

7 PM

Iglesia Sueca

Azopardo 1428 (entre Garay y Brasil), Buenos Aires

If you wnat to go you have to call or e mail the Club Europeo

Tel.: 4311-9896 info@clubeuropeo.com

Safety in Buenos Aires

Is Buenos Aires a safe city ?

There are a lot of possible answers to this question. But just 2 of them are really popular:

Yes or No

The YES group

You are in your fifties (maybe you are 20 but you lost your youth when you were 12). You are retired and bored. You started to travel cause all your friend who are also retired are travelling. You don´t give a shit about other countries, you just want to get what you want (in the case of Buenos Aires that would be: steak, leather jackets and pictures of the touristy sights) in the less time possible.

You put on you tourist costume, digital camera included (you have the biggest one, you don´t even know how to use it, but since your life will be based on the pictures you´ll show to your friends/relatives, you think that it´s important to own a big and expensive camera). You go out with your guide book in your pocket. You have this no-one-is-going-to-rip-me-off kind of attitude, that makes you look like an unpleasant scary person.

When you speak to the locals you cannot stand that they don´t understand what you are saying, somehow you think that they should know your language.

You don´t tip, cause since you are in a foreign country and you don´t know how that works, you think that is better not to tip (better for whom?)

You´ve heard that the friend of the father of the son of your brother in law has been robbed in Buenos Aires. That´s enough for you to think that Buenos Aires is dangerous.

Probably you´ll get robbed while you are here, so don´t bother to come. We don´t want you to have a bad experience

The NO group

The NO group is my friend. This is the group that says : Well, any big city is kind of unsafe. And they tell you, as an example, that once, someone stole a book from the library in their home town.

This adorable group need to take care of their possessions, but not because of the thieves. They have to be careful of not losing their stuff, cause they always do. They´ve lost their I pod in a side trip to Colonia, Uruguay. They´ve forgotten their laptop in a bar and they´ve never found it again. They´ve lost their passport that night when they were really drunk.

50% of the people from this group have been a victim of some kind of thief. But they are too busy to worry about that. They have more important stuff to do, like LIVE.

So, is Buenos Aires a Safe city?

Find out for yourself. Life itself is dangerous if you are intense.

(That line sounds like an advert for Nike or something like that)

Anyway, there are some rules to follow in order to avoid being robbed in BA, but I just don´t feel like writing them right now.

Why do porteños wake up so late?

1. To stay away from the freaks that go to the supermarkets at 8.30 AM

Today I woke up early for no reason. I went to the supermarket. It was me and maybe 6 other persons buying our groceries. And since it was so quiet I though: wow, maybe I should wake up early more often, so I can avoid the cart fights, ques and all the people that are not me. As soon as I completed my thought ( I was almost in the corner of an isle) I almost got hit by a cart. And behind that cart there was a fat middle aged lady pushing it. And the most important detail: She was running!!!! Yes, and I don´t mean that he was in a hurry, NO. She had her headphones, and she was jogging in the supermarket with her cart. I followed her all through the supermarket just to make sure that it was not an hallucination. It wasn´t. She was wearing her work out clothes and her routine was to run in the supermarket.

2. To avoid being sprinkled with a hose by doormen while they are cleaning the sidewalks.

I Don´t think that this requires further explanations

3. To avoid public transportation.

Well, probably is the same in any big city, so you know what I´m talking about. But just in case you don´t I´ll explain which are the worst passengers to share a ride with in the rush hour:

A- Smokers
My lungs woke up like 15 minutes ago. They are kind of sleepy and weak. Your subway ride probably lasts for 20 minutes. As soon as you get in, you take a cigarette out of the package and you play with the damn thing all the time. When you get off you cannot wait 30 seconds till you are not under the ground, where there´s no air at all. You light your cigarette right after the doors open. Don´t you think that this is a little bit too much? You know it´s illegal to smoke in the subway, but apart from that, don´t you feel like a disgusting rat every time you do that? Why don´t you find a job that you can do from your own house so you can smoke till you die?
(I have nothing against smokers, I´m a smoker, it´s just against that kind of smoker)

B- Girls with a perfect hair and make up
Come on! What are you doing? Are you so happy to go to work that you are dressed as if you were going to a party? You are 25 but you look like a 30 year old desperately seeking for a husband. You try to make eye contact with all the guys and you look at the rest of the women as if we were trash just because we haven´t spent an hour and a half trying to look like a cheap ho. Erase that grin from your face, you are going to spend the next 8 hours of your life doing stuff that you hate. Yes, I know. You are waiting for lunch time to see if you can flirt with your bosses.
C- The ones that carry their entire house in two backpacks and a suitcase.
Sometimes I´m one of you. But you know, if I´m carrying my piano in my purse, I wait until the rush hour is gone, or I take a taxi. So if you have that huge backpack, don´t enter like if everybody has to help you or give you room so you can feel comfortable. First, there is no room and second, I ´just don´t want to be nice to you, or anybody at this time in the morning.

Well I have to continue with the list of annoying passengers, but this post was about why we wake up so late, so I´m finishing here.

Bye.

God loves me so much!!!

That´s why he sent me Reverend JAJA and his wife Linda JaJa as Clients!!!


Seriously, who could think that someone from a church could be a client of Bitch tours, but it is for real, and I´ll post pictures as soon as I have them.


When JaJA told me he was an honorary reverend, I didn´t imagine that he was going to be wearing the black shirt with the white collar, and it was soooo cool!!! I know I sound like drunk teenager with PMS, but I was really excited.


Having a reverend as a client was a sign of god. Not only that he loves me and Bitch tours, God wants me to create the "Bitchy church of the lost tourist" . And I will. I have know a mission: To guide the tourists through the darkness of the tourists traps, and take them into the off-the- beaten Paradises...


Nice to meet you guys, see you soon...


Next: 10 commandments to save your soul from a bad trip (and I don´t mean LSD)