Buenos Aires through my eyes

UPDATE: Not working for a while

2011-12-14T19:41:00.000-03:00

Hello everyone,

This is just a quick note to let you know that I won´t be working for the next 7 months (starting December 24th).
I´ll be living in the US for that time, so all the bitches in the US, I´d be happy to take your tour (free of charge, of course, cause I´m the queen of all bitch-tour-guides and you owe me).
That´s it for now.
Cheers!

Summer activities

2011-01-14T10:49:00.000-03:00

Buenos Aires tends to be a culturally dead city during the summer (specially on January); theaters close, the bands go on tour to the shore, etc, etc. But you don´t have to worry: first, because I can fill the emptyness of your life with one of my tours, and second, because the city organizes tons of cool activities including concerts, live theatre and movies.

Go here to see all the schedule.

One more thing. I need stuff from the US, if you are visiting BA and you have a kind heart so you want to help me, please let me know.

Enjoy the summer!

Top 5: "Questions frequently asked by tourists"

2010-12-11T11:50:00.000-03:00

The guys from BAcast invited me to participate in the episode 9 of their podcast and I had to explain them which are the questions that my clients (AKA tourists) ask more frequently. Please don´t feel bad if you were a client of mine and asked one or more of these questions (you probably did).

Anyway, listen to the show, they explain a lot of usefull things about Buenos Aires and Argentina, for instance, in episode 9 they explain the "laws of mate" (if you don´t know what Mate is, well, then you are screwed, read Argentina for dummies or something).

Kill these people. Seriously. Kill them

2010-07-14T10:22:00.000-03:00

Whoever organizes, takes part, likes or is related in any way to these people; deserves to die:

DONT MISS IT !! TODAY WE ¨ FOLLOW THE ASS!

"This recreational social GAME that is gaining adherents is: default aimless wandering along (at a safe distance) beautiful ass.

The aim is to have fun and enjoy the beauty of the back streets of Buenos Aires. (Regardless of gender)

The group is mobilized in procession behind a beautiful ass CHOSSEN by the one THAT has the function of DETECTOR.

The DETECTOR leader acts as a one-time choosing the ass after which we will go. and immediately produced the first electION the FUNCTION OF detector becomeS exercised by another g member OF THE GROUP who, as we pursue the actual ass , elects another Rear worthy of being watched and admired and so on.

TODAY July 14 ,FROM 15.00 hours we will concentrate on the corner of Florida and Corrientes to kick in Buenos Aires this social event.

It requires punctuality and strict observance of the distance and appropriate language.

Bring your camera, recorded and then go up the videos on youtube.

Invite all your friends and contacts!. .

More details? Call/text Daniel to 15 4938 4151

If anybody else than the creep who organizes this shows up, I´ll lose my faith in human kind.

Hasta luego (this is in spanish: learn)

Job offers for expats

2010-05-14T16:02:00.000-03:00

Are you looking for a job in BA? Good for you! There are so many great positions available for you that will give you the chance to spend time in BA and earn a lot of $$$

Here is a list of things that you could be doing (these are real ads from CL):

We're looking for expats, tourists, students in Buenos Aires to participate in a focus group about food delivery in the city. In exchange we are offering FREE LUNCH

Save Your Rent Money! Housing for Work (40 hours a week in exchange for a shared room)

What we are looking for:

Native English speaker or very high level of English

Other languages are a plus (German or Dutch)

Excellent communication and writing skills

Experience in writing is appreciated

Availability to work a minimum of 20 hours a week during a period of 3 months Compensation: free spanish classes

Native English preferred, with a good level of Spanish
Flexible hours, initially working from home
Great experience, particularly for somebody interested in going through the MBA application process themselves
Pay after trial period

So, now you know, if you want to become a millionaire anytime soon, you should definitely come to BA

Hi!

2010-05-06T17:25:00.000-03:00

For those who were wondering if I was still alive, here I am (alive).
I do not like to talk about my private life a lot, but I think it´s fair to explain why I´m not writting as often as I used to: I´m back at school. Yes. That´s the reason why. (Note to myself: I should talk about attending university in Buenos Aires)
So that´s basically it.
Oh no! that´s not it: I moved again. I live in Palermo with all the new-richs and wannabes of Buenos Aires. It´s a long story that I´m not going to tell. (Note to myself: I also have to write about the pros and cons of living in Palermo) (Note to myself: you don´t HAVE TO do anything, you are not getting paid for this)(Note to myself: If you don´t write you won´t get new clients)(Note to myself: shut up or I kill you)(Note to myself: is this being burn out?)
Anyway, how are you doing?

Be a responsible tourist

2010-01-30T10:50:00.001-03:00

Hi, How are you doing? Enjoying the city? Great!
So... Don´t you think that you´ve had enough ASADO already? Don´t you think that it´s time to stop buying LEATHER goods and do something good for other people? You do? Great then.
Tomorrow there will be an event "TANGO FOR HAITI" where they´ll be collecting food to take to Haiti. Bring Powder milk or rice and you will be able to enjoy a tango concert with a lot of different (and good) singers. (plus, you´ll be visiting a neighborhood you´d never go to otherwise).
Enjoy!!!

When: Sunday 31, 7 PM
Where: La Alameda, Av.Directorio corner with Lacarra, Parque Avellaneda
Why: Because you are a good responsible tourist

Feliz Navidad

2009-12-24T14:23:00.000-03:00

Hi.
The years go by and I´m becoming nicer and nicer.
This time I just want to say Feliz Navidad (or Merry Christmas, in case you skipped your holiday-special spanish lesson).
As a nice person that I am (and also as a christmas gift) I´m going to list some facts that you should know if you are someone who has just arrived (and you are feeling lonely and looking for good parties where to drink till you forget that your parents don´t love you enough or something like that)

1. There are no good parties on christmas eve and/or Christmas day
2. There are some crazy porteños who might feel sorry for you and invite you to their house (look for them)
3. There are tons of people just like you in your hotel or hostel who are looking for another lonner to spend the holiday with
4. The day after tomorrow it´s only 2 days away

Merry X-mas

Just say Hola

2009-12-05T19:31:00.001-03:00

I was on my way to visit a friend when I decided I was going to buy some pastries for the tea. I was not in my neighborhood so I entered in the first bakery I saw. The counter was right across the front door, and behind the counter, of course, the owner of the store. I said "hi", he didn´t respond. I said," how much does the dozen of pastries cost?". "14". And half a dozen? He pretended that he hadn´t listened and he continued doing what he was doing: Nothing.

In other circumstances I would have left immediately, but I really wanted to buy pastries and I had no idea where to find another bakery (plus, I was already late).

I pick up the pastries I wanted and I went to the counter to pay:

Him: 14

Me: Ok (and I gave him a 20)

Him: Change?

Me: no (come on!!! A 20 is change)

Him: One peso coin?

Me: no, I don´t have

Him: ugh

He handed me my change and the pastries. He hated me. I could tell.

As I was leaving I though "I´m never ever coming back to this place" when suddenly I hear "holaaaaaaaaaaaa" I turn around and I see a lady walking inside the bakery and to my surprise, it was the same guy saying hi like if the woman was her grandmother waking up from her grave.

So, what´s the moral of the story: People who own small businesses here haven´t (and are not whiling) to learn how it´s done! I mean, the lady was obviously an old customer, whatever, but, hello, in order to have old customers you have to treat the new ones decently. I don´t mean "you have to love me because I´m spending 14 pesos here" but at least say hello. Anyway. I´m not going back to that store. One more store on my black list.

That´s it for today.

By the way, there is a Jazz festival going on, don´t miss it.

The Night of the museums...

2009-11-13T12:06:00.001-03:00

... Is tomorrow. So don´t miss it. There will be a lot of activities, a lot of them crappy, but mostly good stuff. Here you can read more about it.

The day of the cafes

2009-10-26T13:36:00.001-03:00

Today, the city is celebrating the existence of the the traditional cafes (we call them Cafes Notables). And usually when the government of the city wants to celebrate something, they hire some tango bands to play, and this is not going to be the exception.
The cafes notables are a must-see. So make sure you go to any of them during your stay. And remember that if you go today (monday 26th) you might also see a traditional tango orchestra or some tango dancing, or something tango related.

Where?
London City - Avenida de Mayo 599
6 Billares - Avenida de Mayo 1265
La Perla - Avenida Pedro de Mendoza 1899
Bar de Cao - Independencia 2400
El Preferido de Palermo - Jorge L. Borges 2108
Etc, etc (etc means, do your own research or pay for the information)

In a good mood

2009-09-27T23:04:00.005-03:00

Positive things about MY city

1. Nobody is too busy to pay attention to you.

That´s right. Even if you are trying to communicate in your "spanish", you have 98% chances that people will stop what they are doing to hear you mumbling. And there are great chances that they´ll understand what you want.

2. People say what they think in most occasions

For instance if we want to say: "stop doing that" we say "stop doing that" and not things like "I think that you don´t need to do that, it´ll be better for you" or " How interesting that thing that you are doing, I wonder how it´d be if you didn´t do it". We cut right to the chase.

3. People fall in love with you no matter if you own a car, house, money or if you are a starving artist.

I know, some people may argue this. But those are the same ones that pay for sex or are trying to date supermodels.

4. Your family and friends will always live close by.

Nobody has the courage to move far away (our mothers would die), so you´ll always celebrate your birthdays with all the people you love because they probably live around the corner.

5. Kids are accepted everywhere.

You´ve heard about a house party that you want to attend but you have nobody to leave your kid with? Bring him to the party, probably somebody else will bring kids too.

6. I live here

I make Buenos Aires a better place

Erotic BA

2009-09-23T09:45:00.002-03:00

In case you´ve traveled without your sexual toy (I´m sure you didn´t) or that you are looking to buy a new one, you are lucky, because you can go to the Xex Buenos Aires expo erotica.

What kind of things you can find there? Well, basically all the stuff that you need if you decide to stay every night at your hotel instead of checking out Buenos Aires nightlife.

They´ll be having people talking about sex, and sexy dancers, and everything that has the word sex in it.

When?

september 25 y 26 (it opens at 6 PM, it´s not a book festival)

Where?

Alsina 940

Tango Festival Starting Today

2009-08-14T11:25:00.002-03:00

Hi There, it´s been a while since my last post. So, Hello, I missed you, my people.

So, the Tango Festival starts today. This is THE tango festival, so make sure you attend any of the activities they will have. You have detailed info here.

Enjoy!

Salud!

2009-07-07T10:32:00.004-03:00

I´ve notices that with all the influenza thing the population of Buenos Aires has developed a new syndrome. The middle-aged-housewife syndrome (also called loser-without-a-job syndrome). This terrible disease consist in watching a lot of TV(specially the news) and buying every single crap that they say. If we have 100.000 people with Influenza N1H1, we have about 12.000.000 with a severe case of middle-aged-housewife syndrome.

The consequences are out there: people are travelling to uruguay to buy the miraculous Tamiflu (I don´t get it, why is it that a medicine that was made for the chicken flu also works with the pig flu? Does it work with any animal flu, or only with farm animals flu?), there are giant lines to buy alcohol, and the streets are a desert (for Buenos Aires standards).

But what bugs me the most is the reaction that a cough or a sneeze can provoke on the people with middle-aged-housewife syndrome. Oh my God! People get furious when someone sneezes, even if you cover your mouth. They give you a look like if you were urinating in public!!!

I have a cold, is winter, I sneeze, I cough and your ugly look is only going to make it worse. I´ll throw my tissue at your face. I´ll touch your eyeball with my infected hands. I´ll give you a french kiss. So please, leave me and the rest of the world that has a cold, alone. And if you are so paranoid, go to your house and enjoy your syndrome.

Influenza

2009-07-03T16:22:00.002-03:00

You are probably fully aware of the influenza thing going on. I mean the hysteria, paranoia and all that.

If you have tickets to a concert or you were planing to attend a soccer game you should check that it´s actually happening before you go.

You still have plenty of things to do (taking a bitch tour for instance).

see you

Buying Property in BA

2009-06-25T19:56:00.009-03:00

Before buying property in Buenos Aires, you have to think twice. And after you meditated for hours and you came to an affirmative answer, think twice again.

This are a few things that you should know:

1. Realtor: Realtors in Buenos Aires are among the nastiest, filthiest creatures in the world, right next to the guys that kill baby seals by hitting them with a stick. I don´t like generalizations (that´s a lie, I love love love generalizations), but in this case, lets just say that an honest realtor is only the exception that confirms the rule. When they say "I give you my word" in realtor's language this means "I´m sooooo screwing this foreigner, hahahhhahhahaha". You must check absolutely everything the realtor says. Is he/she saying "the apartment is in Palermo"? Go to a map and check it. Is he/she saying "the roof is part of the property"? Check it with the notary. Is he/she saying "There is another person interested in the property"? Then you have the certainty that you are the only person interested.

This is how realtors look like in BA

2. The notary. The notary must be someone completely separate from the realtor. If the realtor says that he/she can recommend a notary, make sure that you won´t ever call that person in your entire life. It doesn´t matter if you trust the notary that the realtor is offering. You need your own notary. Get it? Otherwise they will team up and screw you (and make fun of you while they celebrate with the commission they got from you)

3.The neighbors. Neighbors are a pain in every part of the world, sure. But here, they can totally make your life miserable. Make sure that you read and understand the rules of your building before you buy the apartment, otherwise, you might end up cleaning your neighbor´s butt because it´s written in the rules.

Meet the neighbors

4. The administrator of the building. Every single one of them (administrators of the consortium) is a piece of sh.... Here there are no exceptions. Your roof has a leak? The entire apartment is flooded? The rats ate your pet? He/she won´t give a damn. You might think, "but he/she must solve my problem, I´m paying for that". Get real! For these people, that kind of argumentation is a joke. You might wonder, "What should I do them?" Cry. Or kill.

This is an administrator I know

If you still want to buy property, this is what you HAVE to do:

Call a porteño friend that has nothing to do with the operation. This means, someone who will not make any profit from it. This person can´t be related in any way with

A.The realtor

B. The notary

C. The administrator

D. The owner of the apartment

That friend will be in charge of finding out in advance in which way they can screw you and his/her job will be to prevent you from that. Believe me, they can screw you in ways that your not-porteño mind couldn´t even dream about.

So, you don´t have a friend? It doesn´t matter, I´m offering a new service. ANTI-Porteños advice. I´ll be the person who will make sure that those bastards won´t rip you off.

If you are reading this and you´ve already been screwed by this people, please share your story.

Best luck. You´ll need it

Buenos Aires Polo Circo

2009-06-24T18:10:00.003-03:00

Hi, Next week there will be a Circus Festival here in the city. For what I know, this is the first official circus festival. Performers will come from all over the world to probably kick our circus artist´s butts.

Anyway, if you are interested here you will find more info:

http://www.festivalpolocirco.gob.ar/home09/web/es/events/index.html

A Musical Break

2009-06-22T14:42:00.003-03:00

From Tuesday to Friday, you can take a break from your tourist/business/student life and go to one of the following places to listen to live music.

Martes: Catedral Anglicana de San Juan Bautista (25 de Mayo 282)
Miércoles: Hall del Teatro San Martín (Corrientes 1530)
Jueves: Teatro Presidente Alvear (Av. Corrientes 1659)
Viernes: Plaza San Martín (Florida y Santa Fe)

All the concerts start at 1PM

Completely free

Till June 30

Topless Party

2009-06-10T12:53:00.003-03:00

That´s the name of the party that you should go to this saturday.

You: But am I really going to see topless girls?

Me: I have no idea. Just go. And then let me know how it was

You: But I don´t want to go if I won´t see boobs.

Me: Look, I´m sure that you have more chances to see boobies at this party than if you stay alone at your hotel/apartment/hostel/etc. Unless, of course, that you hire a hooker.

You: well, that was my plan, sort of.

Me: what´s the deal with man coming to BA to buy sex. I mean, it´s so easy to get laid in BA that paying for sex is like going to the ocean and pay for salty water.

You: Yes, but then you have to spend time seducing a girl and all that crap

Me: Talking to a topless drunk girl at a party doesn´t sound like something challenging for your manhood.

You: You are right, I´m going.

Me: Great.

Where:

This Saturday after midnight (technically Sunday) at:

El Especial

Cordoba 4391

Argentine Folkloric Music

2009-06-05T10:09:00.005-03:00

Every Friday, starting this week, there will be a series of open air concerts in San Telmo.

Everybody thinks Argentina equals Tango, but that´s not true, we have lot more to offer when it comes to folkloric music. So, just go and find out for yourself.

And if you go, please do me a favor. There are some dirty artisans hanging out in Plaza Dorrego selling their artless crap all night long. They are nasty, if they don´t sell anything, they start begging and if you don´t give them money, they insult you or even threaten you. Please, don´t even look at them, if they approach you just pretend that you don´t speak Spanish (probably that won´t be difficult for you to do, right?). If you happen to like their crafts and you want to buy anything, therefore, you need to communicate with them, don´t do it. Wait till the next day, till you are not drunk anymore.

This is in Plaza Dorrego, Located in Defensa corner with Humberto I - San Telmo.

Every friday till July 10th at 9PM

Have fun

ARTEBA

2009-05-22T11:12:00.003-03:00

The biggest contemporary art fair is open till Sunday. It is a good chance to see some local art and to measure how cool you are compared to all the hipsters that go every year to this event. If you are lucky, you might get an invitation to a crazy private party.

For more info: www.arteba.org

Now it´s your turn to see them suffering

2009-05-16T11:00:00.004-03:00

One of my favorite events in Buenos Aires is happening this afternoon. The waiters and waitresses of buenos aires are competing in a race where they´ll be wearing they uniforms and carrying a tray with a bottle and 2 full glasses.

The race starts at 3 at Avenidad de Mayo (between Bernardo de Yrigoyen and Tacuari).

If you´d had a bad experience with Buenos Aires service, this will be your time for revenge; I recommend to put some obstacles on their way.

See you there.

Need a job?

2009-05-11T14:13:00.002-03:00

Oh my God, who in the world would work for these people?

Published on Craig´s list:

Bartender & Wait staff

As we are opening our 2nd floor boliche we are epxanding our staff. The CasaBar is known for the having the hottest and most professional staff in Buenos Aires so we are extremely selective in our hiring practices. If you have applied with us previously please do not apply again. Walk-ins are also not welcome.

You must speak Spanish and English
You must have previous experience ( having attended a Buenos Aries bartending course is a cruel joke and thus means nada to us , nor does frat/sorotity house keg master experience ).
Be dynamic or go back to teaching Spanglish!

Send resume and recent photo. No resume or photo no interview. If uncle Craig does not let you send photo then you are not too clever and you wasted your parents or my tax dollars on an under used education.

The Casabar is "The" bar in Recoletta period and our bartenders make more money than any other bartender in Buenos Aires. Why? Because they are dynamic!

Week of the prostate in Buenos Aires

2009-05-09T12:39:00.002-03:00

You can get a free prostate exam at the hospital de clinicas. Isn´t that a great way to promote tourism?

Tango, beef and free prostate exams.

Buenos aires has a lot to offer...

Homeless Art

2009-05-02T10:41:00.005-03:00

One of my favorite organizations in BA ; Arte sin Techo ( it translates "roofless art") opened an exhibition a week ago and it´ll be open till May 21st. So, the artists are all homeless people who are taking free art classes (with free art supplies provided by the organization), and now they have the opportunity to show their work in one of the most prestigious art spots (that would be the Centro Cultural Recoleta).

By the way, the other day, I saw one of their murals all covered with "graffiti", and by "graffiti" I mean, illegible artless inscriptions with the name of bands that nobody wants to listen. For those graffiti writers who vandalized other people´s art I say:

Look, you are 25 yo at least, you damaged your brain because you have been drinking since you were 12. All the talent you had back in the day when you were 17 it´s gone, get real, it´s all gone. You are no longer a rebel, you are a brain damaged young person who destroys valuable art during the night. Instead why don´t you move out from your parents and get a job?

Everyday at Centro Cultural Recoleta- Junin 1930- Recoleta (yeah, close to your apartment/hotel)

Besos

Missing Dog

2009-04-19T11:32:00.003-03:00

Yesterday I saw a sign next to the front door of my condo and I almost cried.

It was about a missing dog. That is sad enough to make someone cry, but this sign was touching, this is what it said (well, a translation)

We Are looking for you, our Friend

You left yesterday trhough a window to explore the world and you didn´t come back.

You know that we can make it (return), you know the path.

Maybe someone saw you, and recognised you. That person can call us or visit our blog http://encontrandote.blog.com.es/

If you happen to see him, please let them know

Being a bad ass has it benefits

2009-03-22T20:14:00.004-03:00

My friends were rehearsing at Parque Centenario last week since they were selected to participate in a festival called "Danza en paisajes urbanos" (Dance is urban landscapes) so they were preparing a choreography to be performed in that same park. I went there to help them and I thought it was going to be difficult to find them, but I was able to spot them easily because they were surrounded by a group of policemen and park guards. Something was no OK.

Even though my friends had a permit to rehearse in the park, all this people were trying to kick them out of the park. After a while, they called the director of the park (the officer said, "OK, if you don´t want to understand what I´m saying, I´m calling the OWNER of the park). So, he came.

He seemed to be a reasonable guy at first. But he was not.

This is what he said : "Look, you are dancing here, walking on the benches, doing things that are not appropriate, and I cannot let you do that. If I let you do that, I have to let everybody else do it" (I thought OK, so you should kick out all the people that sleep, piss and poop in the park, otherwise I move in here tomorrow!).

My friends told him "but we have a permit. Actually the government is paying us to do this, we need to rehearse".

"I understand, but can´t you do a normal dance (???), not using the benches. The other day a guy,who also had a permit, came here and started dancing near the artisans, you know, they threatened him, they are bad asses, you cannot mess with them"

So, I wondered, how is it possible that they let a bunch of mafia guys sell their crap on the park, guys who have no problem in threatening a dancer who is also working there, but they don´t let artist do their thing (specially when they´ve been hired by the government, just like him)".

Next time, my friends should bring a knife or something, so they´ll be treated with respect.

And one thing fo you, Mr. OWNER-of-the-park, your park is not that great!

St. Patrick´s Day

2009-03-16T22:33:00.003-03:00

Tomorrow, as you all may know, is St.Patrick´s day.

The Irish community in Buenos Aires (I´ve never met any of them) is organizing a parade. Actually it´s going to be the first st.Patrick´s parade in Buenos Aires, because the Irish people and the Government of the city want to prove that it´s not all about drinking,

it´s also about marching bands, clovers and green stuff (yeah, right).

So, if you are into Irish culture, go to the parade. More info here.

If you don´t need to hide your dark intentions of drinking till you pass out, go to Reconquista street and all the area around the Kilkenny, and do your thing.

Please, if you go to the pubs at night, don´t forget to break bottles in the middle of the street, pick up a fight, and vomit in someone else´s shoes. We need to keep the tradition alive.

Have fun!

Don´t miss!!! Really, don´t even think about not going!!!

2009-02-27T22:36:00.004-02:00

A few years ago, the argentine producer Gustavo Santaolalla, organized a tango concert at the theatre Colon. I didn´t go but I saw the video "Cafe de los Maestros" (that you have to buy, and it was amazing. The musicians who played that day at the Colon were very old, a lot of them retired and in my opinion, the real thing. They don´t play Tango, the are Tango (I´m starting to sound like a bad magazine for tourist).

Anyway, They are playing tomorrow at el Planetario in Palermo, and it´s one in a lifetime opportunity. If you are in Buenos Aires and you don´t go, you are the worst loser ever. I didn´t go to the Colon when they played and a bunch of them died. I won´t be that stupid this time.

GO!!!

7.30PM at el Planetario

Flamenco Festival in Buenos Aires

2009-02-23T11:57:00.003-02:00

First Flamenco Bienal in Buenos Aires (from 2/23 to 3/1).

Is it going to be good? You might wonder. Well, I have no idea, but I think we should find out.

Click here for the info

Help children while you get drunk

2009-02-22T13:27:00.005-02:00

You are enjoying your vacations in Buenos Aires and lets face it, you are thinking more about taking than giving. It´s ok, I don´t blame you. You are worried about your own happiness and, after all you work every single day to get these free days (that you are now spending in BA).

But, here you have the best way to avoid the feeling of tourist who is taking advantage of a 3rd world country and drink yourself to death at the same time.

Club Acorn is organizing a pub crawl to raise money for children´s center in La Boca (Friday 27th at 10pm). You pay only 60 pesos and you get empanadas, pizza, and alcohol (all you can eat/drink) for an hour, and then the guys from acorn will take you to 3 different bars (where you´ll get discounted drinks) and you´ll finish the night in a club.

If you are interested please contact Club Acorn:

clubacorn@gmail.com

PS: Vote for my blog!!! Follow the link in the side bar and VOTE FOR ME!!!

Carnaval 09

2009-02-03T18:46:00.003-02:00

So, February started, that means is carnival time. Even though carnival here is not as good as in other parts of Argentina, we still have some celebrations, and it´s interesting to go and take a look, maybe get drunk and dance with the rest of the sweaty happy people (in the best scenario).

So, every saturday and sunday, starting at 7pm, you can go to celebrate el carnaval porteño in different spots. Here you have a list so you can choose. I recommend Almagro and Abasto.

Abasto: Av. Córdoba entre Agüero y Sanchez de Bustamante.
Almagro: Av. Corrientes entre Medrano y Bulnes.
Bajo Núñez: Ramallo entre Vuelta de Obligado y Arcos.
Balvanera: Av. Independencia entre Matheu y Rincón.
Núñez: Av. Congreso entre Cabildo y Moldes.
Boedo 1: Av. Boedo entre San Juan e Independencia.
Boedo 2: Av. Belgrano entre Columbres y Maza.
Caballito 1: Av. Avellaneda entre N. Oroño y F. Sarmiento.
Caballito 2: Av. Gaona entre Trilles y Boyacá.
Colegiales: Av. Federico Lacroze entre R. Freire y Martínez.
Liniers: Tuyutí entre Carhué y Cosquín.
Lugano 1: Av. Riestra entre Leguizamón y Murguiondo.
Lugano 2: Av. Cruz entre Murguiondo y Lisandro De la Torre.
Mataderos: Av. Alberdi entre Araujo y Av. Escalada.
Monte Castro: Av. Juan B. Justo y Lope de Vega.
Parque Avellaneda: Av. Directorio entre Av. Olivera y Lacarra.
Parque Centenario: Lambaré entre Sarmiento y Corrientes.
Paternal 1: Av. Nazca entre Lascano y Baigorria.
Paternal 3: Av. San Martín entre Juan B. Justo y Seguí.
Piedrabuena: 2 de abril entre Av. General Paz y Montiel.
Pompeya 1: Av. Cruz entre Las Palmas y Av. La Plata.
Pompeya 2: Av. Perito Moreno entre Ochoa y Taborda.
Saavedra 1: Av. Balbín entre Plaza y Machain.
Saavedra 3: Av. Balbín entre Pico y Arias.
San Telmo: Av. San Juan entre Bolívar y Balcarce.
Villa Crespo: Av. Scalabrini Ortiz entre Av. Corrientes y Padilla.
Villa Pueyrredón: Moscón entre Terrada y Bolivia.
Villa Urquiza: Av. Triunvirato entre Roosevelt y Rivera.
Versalles: Jonte entre Juan B. Justo y Barragán.

Movies al Fresco

2009-01-17T11:41:00.003-02:00

Every Saturday and Sunday at 9.30 PM till February 22nd, you can go to the Rosedal of Palermo and enjoy a movie under the stars. You can watch the movie from your comfy car ( I hate you) or you can be like the rest of us and sit on the hot pavement. It´s smart to bring chairs, pillows, etc. I wasn´t smart enough last Saturday though.

For more info, click HERE

Wisdom starts at $3,80

2009-01-13T12:58:00.005-02:00

Any problem you have, can be solved really easy, if you ask the right person. Forget about jesus, or your priest or your friends. Jesus is too busy solving REAL problems, your priest only wants to get in your pants, and your friends are tired of you and your endless blah blah.

But in Buenos Aires, we have an excellent counseling service that comes included in almost every taxi cab service, and you should definitly take advantage of it.

I know what you are thinking: "what would a taxi driver know about my problems with my partner, my morgage and my parents in-law?" Well, he knows. In fact, if your problem is more related to other areas of the human knoledge, lets say, quantum physics, biology or algebra; don´t be shy and just ask, he´ll have an answer too!

"Is the answer the right one?" You might be wondering. I say :"Who cares?" They talk with such autorithy that I wouldn´t dare to not take the advice.

Taxi cab drivers know it all. That´s the truth. A taxi cab driver told me so.

Anyway, to prove my point, I´m going to transcribe a conversation I had last saturday with a really nice taxi cab guru. He revealed a piece of information that you might find extremely useful.

Taxi guy: You know, I´m 56 yo, I don´t want a new wife. I separated a couple of years ago and I don´t want to marry again. I just want a woman to go out with 2 nights a week.

Me: 2 nights a week? why 2 and not 3? 2 nights a week is not enough for a woman.

Taxi guy: I know, but seeing someone 2 nights a week it´s the perfect way not to get into any commitment.

Me: Really?

Taxi guy: Sure. Look, if you see someone only 2 times a week, the relationship cannot go too far. I give you my word.

Me: Interesting. So when a guy only wants to see me twice a week it´s because he knows this rule?

Taxi guy: Probably. But you, women, always have a way to trick a guy into a serious relationship.

Me: How?

Taxi guy: Driving him crazy in bed.

Me: well, that I know. But thank you for teaching me the 2 days rule. It´s brilliant.

Misbehaving

2009-01-11T14:30:00.005-02:00

If you come from a different part of the world (basically if you are American), you may find Argentines a little bit rude or impolite. After my trip to the US, I confirmed my theory about politeness in the US: you say "thank you" and "please" about 1000 times more than us, and

" I´m sorry" and "excuse me", about 1000000000 times more that us. My friend was trying to teach me how to be more polite but I was really not into it. I hate saying I´m sorry in the American way. Here, you say I´m sorry when, for instance, you´ve accidentally punched someone in the face, or if you accidentally pushed someone in front of a bus. In the US is more like, "OH! I´m only 3 meters away from that person, I think I´m invading his territory, It´s better to say I´m sorry, otherwise I´d be considered an ass" Or: "MY GOSH!!! I could have accidentally touched that person with my backpack, but thank god it didn´t happen. Anyway

"I´m so sorry " (that that chance existed for a moment)".

You know what I´m talking about?

But that´s not my point. I want to talk about us. Argentines. More specifically; Argentines by the pool.

My friends live in this fancy condo, and they have a pool and a gym, and all those things that are so necessary in the modern life. Anyway, I always go there to hang out, swim, eat, be in a nicer place than mine, etc. Everything is fine, except for the group of disgusting Argentine guys who think that are the owners of the pool.

We are talking about 30 something guys, with huge beer bellies and a cocaine addiction (well, only during the weekends- their weekend starts on Wednesdays-) who work for their stepfather who is a friend of someone in the government. They are the perfect example of why Argentines are considered arrogant all over the world. I bet you know a bunch of them.

They are loud. They stare at girls until they make them feel uncomfortable. They are lazy (one of them doesn´t even work so he is 24/7 by the pool). They always wear the same clothes because even though they have a maid who does the laundry for them, they are too lazy to shower and change their clothes. They are completely rude; they bring a TV to the pool area they turn it on in a really loud volume and they sit there to watch the soccer game. Can you believe that? And nobody is doing anything about that. We need some Americans to teach them how to be polite. I´m sick of the complete lack of respect for the other human beings that some Argentines show. Lets shout at them. Yes! You, whoever you are, please, stop pretending that it doesn´t bother you that your neighbour wakes you up at 7am on Sundays because he wants to listen to a metal band really loud. Stop letting the old fat lady from the 5th floor to walk around in her underwear while she Waters the plants. Yell at the parents who leave their kids destroy the common property. Together we can make it. We can kill the ugly impolite monster that we Argentines have deep inside.

That´s it.

PS: Hey, are you visiting BA? Would you please bring me some Newman´s own Balsamic Vinagraitte? I´m addicted and I can´t buy it here. Please!!! Thank you, I knew you´d do it.

My Christmas Story

2008-12-25T10:42:00.003-02:00

I went to the beach for a few days with some friends and we were returning to spend the hollidays with our family. Yesterday at 2 pm, we run out of gas in the middle of nowhere, we were 50 KM away from the gas station. We felt really lucky when the motorcicle that was right behind us pulled over and offer to take one of us to buy gas in the next gas station. He had only one helmet and he gave it to my friend. He left all his bags with us to leave room for my friend and when they were ready they left. We waited for them like an hour, and it was really really hot out there, about 36 ºC.
When they came back with the gas, he drank a couple of mates with us and we all talked for a bit. He told us he was a baker. After a little while he said he had to leave. He took his bags and placed them in the back of the motorcycle. He came back to the care with a package for us: it was a traditional Pannetone. I think that we were all trying to hold our tears, this guys was not only helping us but giving us a christmas gift. We couldn´t express him how grateful we were. Of course he refused to take money for the gas he spent (but I sneaked some cash in his bag anyway).
His name was Hector. We love you Hector!
Merry Christmas to all of you

Festival Buen Día

2008-12-19T10:09:00.003-02:00

Hi there. I don feel like writing, so I just want to let you know about Buen Día festival:

http://www.festivalbuendia.net/

It's tomorrow (saturday 20th) so cancell your lame plans and just go there.

V Contemporary Dance Festival

2008-12-05T13:44:00.005-02:00

You are sick of tango, I know, and I totally understand you. Who isn´t? Last weekend you went to the Chess and Tango show so this weekend you want to do something different, exciting, new, fresh. So here is what you are doing: You are going to watch a contemporary dance perfomance. How does that sound? Boring? I know, it can be boring, pretencious and/or stupid, but it´s for free.
If you are a straight guy looking for cute girls, I promise that you´ll find plenty of attractive dancers among the audience. And since you´ll be THE cool foreigner who enjoys modern dance blah blah, you know, you´ll probably get lucky.
If you are a gay guy trying to hook up, don´t miss this great opportunity, this is gay paradise. Don´t let the queens intimidate you. Underneath every gay dancer there is a fragile human being with an extreme lack of self steem (well this rule aplies to every dancer, not only the gay ones)
If you are a young girl trying to hook up, forget it. Don´t go unless you enjoy modern dance for real. Or you are too cheap to buy tickets for a nice Tango show.

I recommend this one, I promise it´s not boring: Patiecito, Patiecito
TEATRO SARMIENTOAv. Sarmiento 2715 (Plaza Italia) Sunday 7 at 8PM
Bye

Breast Cancer Is Sexy!!! (in BA at least)

2008-12-02T12:37:00.004-02:00

The image you see above this lines could be the cover of a porn (or soft porn) movie called something like "Boobs galore" "Boobs part 9" or "Boobylicious". But it´s not. It´s the ad for a breast cancer awareness campaign. Sexy, uh?

In case you don´t know, boobs, buts, and "lesbians" images are used in any kind of advertisment campaing, from cars to aspirins, from lengerie to Breast cancer! Almost every magazine has at least one of these images in their cover. Aparently this is the only way to make porteños buy a magazine.

We live in a city covered in naked female images, I think that in a few years, guys from BA will beg you : "Put on your clothes, it´s soooo sexy". I recently read the results of a survey and they said that being exposed to sexy images all the time turns off 58% of the male population...

Anyway, that breast cancer ad makes me sick. Please, if you see one; vandalize it.

Thank you

Chess & Tango

2008-11-27T13:42:00.002-02:00

Even though it seems imposible to combine Tango with Chess (and pull it off) the government of the city did it.

When I think about Tango combined with anything, the only word that comes to my mind is cheesy, but this time I was wrong. It exceeded all my expectations (that were not high).

The Chess match with tango dancers playing the different pieces is quite a good show. The costumes are not over the top or ugly, like they tend to be in most of the pretentious tango shows. Plus, the coreographies are good and not so obvious.

So, if you haven´t melted yet, go to Parque lezama at 6PM on sunday or saturday and enjoy this show under the shade of one of the tipas (it´s a big beautiful tree, you can find them in most of the parks around the city).

Surprigsinly it starts on time, so don´t show up at 6.30

I´m back

2008-11-19T19:37:00.002-02:00

I had a great trip, thank you for asking.
Now I´m back, ready to give as many tours as I can.
I´ll start blogging about Buenos Aires pretty soon, so don´t worry, your life won´t be miserable anymore.
see you soon.

I'm in NY, so forget about my tours till late November

2008-09-28T23:50:00.002-03:00

Finally I'm in NYC. I was wondering wether starting a blog about my tip or not. I know I'm funny when I bitch about my own country, but I don't think that US people would enjoy me if I bitch about them. So far I'm only writing on my Moleskine journal (Reverend Jaja's present. Thank you! By the way, I went to a Jazz Liturgy and it was great. We don' t have anything like that in BA).
see you later

Democrats in BA

2008-09-23T02:30:00.002-03:00

THIS FRIDAY
September 26th, Please Come Out and Show your Support!
.
8pm to whenever...
.
The Sacramento, El Salvador 5729
.
Palermo Hollywood, Buenos Aires

The 39, 93, and 111 buses get you there great.
.
The 12, 15, 29, 41, 55, 57, 59, 60, 64, 67, 68, 95,
118, 152, 161, and 166 don't do too bad either.
.
Take a look at your local bus stops and see if you have one of these nearby.
Call or write if you need some navigation consultation!
4322 - 0968 or (voip) 312-224-8490
.
I know that DAA has NEVER charged admission (10 pesos) before...and we hope it won't prevent you from "bellying up the to the bar" and
supporting the BEST DAMNED DEBATE WATCH PARTY ON PLANET EARTH. .
Don't forget, It all goes to the best cause there is,
ELECTING OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT..
(We'll be taking an informal poll during the event to
see if you'd like to come back to the same place to watch
JOEY BIDEN smack-down Sarah Palin on Friday, Oct 3rd.).
Come on down and let Yanqui Mike buy you a drink
...at least until he goes broke!

This is just great

2008-09-04T19:13:00.004-03:00

Someone posted the following review about my blog on Indextar

The world is neither black nor white
For someone who inspires to be a journalist/writer, her writing style is insipid and boring. The themes can be amusing, but she describes them in a way that is so deadpan it truly is a shame. For Diva all extranjeros who visit her city are rich, that 800 dollar ticket doesn´t just materialize. For Diva all porteños are assholes trying to screw you, or screw you over. I have a lot of issues with the persona she transmits, but I still read the blog.

Ha!

Please, feel free to post a review on Indextar. The ones who love me (and proud of that fact) please write nice things; the ones who love me (but are too ashamed to say it) just write anything for my reading pleasure like the review above these lines.

The worst of Buenos Aires: Why not?

2008-09-04T14:12:00.005-03:00

When you visit a place, you are always eager to find the best places and the coolest things to do, but the lame, the bizarre, the ugly stuff is also an important part of each city/culture. And in same cases it could be the rule and not the exception.
Buenos Aires has, fortunately a lot of great things, and you´ll find them easily in your guide book; but what about when you just want a shitty dinner? Well, I can give you some advice.

Worst tango show: La ideal

You don´t want to miss the tango show while you are in Buenos Aires and that´s ok. Where else would you find such great dancers and musician like here in its birth place? But you are just too cool to book a show at Mr Tango. Don´t worry, for a lot less you can get a much worse Tango show. La ideal tango show sucks. But i´t so bad that you´ll enjoy it. Everything is so low-cost and bad-taste that it actually ends up being a must-see if you are into Bizarre tango shows. Enjoy it!

Worst neighbourhood: Villa ortuzar

Maybe it´s because of its name that this neighbourhood is so shitty(Ortuzar: orto means butt). It´s not only ugly but also boring. When you get off the subway stop (Tronador) all you can see is the nothingness itself. No good restaurants, no green parks; just nothing. It worth a visit if you are planing on committing suicide

Worst drink: Fernet con coca

I wonder why this is the most popular drink in Buenos Aires (and maybe in Argentina) when it tastes like an expired herbal medicine. It does helps you to get drunk pretty fast though. Don´t miss it!

Worst service: ?

There has been a tie between all the restaurants/bars in Palermo attended by waitresses /"artists" in Palermo, and the old bars attended by waiters who are over 85 and suffer hemorrhoids. Anyway, I promise that you won´t miss a bad service while you visit our city, even if you are not looking forward to it.

Worst pizza:

There are a lot of new pizza-chains that suck; but if I have to choose a winner; I´d go for the pizza that you can find in the international students parties. You cannot complaint though, because it´s usually for free or you pay like 10 pesos for cheap wine plus all the pizza you can eat. Bu I guess that if you are drinking bad wine, lousy pizza is a good match, right?

Bitch tours NYC

2008-08-30T01:01:00.004-03:00

No, I´m not selling a franchise in NY, I´m visiting in October.

So, any New Yorker who wants to give me a Bitch Tour (or whatever tour you can offer)?

Also, I´d love to hear recommendations, invitations, offerings etc, etc.

E- mail me please

Thank you

10º Tango Festival

2008-08-20T14:07:00.003-03:00

In spite of the new government (which doesn´t support artistic/cultural activities), the Tango festival is happening. I guess that our mayor saw all the benefits that this festival brings to the city (benefits=tourists) and he decided to give it a chance.

Anyway, if you have never taken a tango lesson before, this is your chance. Go to a beginners class where you´ll find people like you (cowards) who never took a lesson before. You won´t feel like you are the worst dancer ever, I promise.

Here you have the link with the schedule

Where to eat paying 2001 prices: La Aromatica

2008-08-13T23:56:00.003-03:00

I don´t usually post about my favourite places or the places I frequent because you know how tourism can change things. But one of my top places in Buenos Aires is struggling to survive and it´s because they are not getting enough clients. That place is called La Aromatica and they serve Colombian food.

This place is tiny but it´s really good and cheap. Plus it has a very good vibe since all the people that work there are young travellers who work only when they are visiting BA (and they don´t work everyday, that´s the key for a healthy living IMO). And you know how it works: if you travel you are happy, therefore you prepare happy tasty food (as for the waiters, they are sooo happy that sometimes they can forget that they have to work and they make you wait more than they should, be patient, please).

Everyday (Monday thru Saturday) they open at noon and the menu -appetizer,main, dessert, glass of fresh juice- cost 15 pesos. And believe it or not, it´s delicious. They also open at night but it´s a little bit more expensive (anyway you´ll find it dirty cheap).

If you go, let me know how it was.

La Aromática: Bulnes 873 - Tel: 4866- 2300

Financial Times Magazine

2008-08-12T20:42:00.002-03:00

Financial Times´latest edition has a small article about Buenos Aires; It´s called "That was then...This is now: Buenos Aires".
They´ve compared an excerpt of a book by the great travel writer Paul Theroux (written in 1979), with an excerpt of an article of the most promising writer in Argentina: Me
Read it here

Taxi cab driver who works with his dog

2008-08-11T12:14:00.007-03:00

I love this story.
The Taxi driver ( from now on Carlos) owns a yorkshire terrier (Brownie) who has been "working" with him for the last 6 months. Carlos has Diabetes, but he says that since he started driving with the dog in the car, his blood sugar levels are normal.

Touching

2008-08-08T13:10:00.005-03:00

We, argentines, touch each other a lot. And not only in THAT way.
Probably you already know about the kissing custom that we have. If you have no clue about what I’m saying, please let me enlighten you.
So, I was saying that we like to touch other people and this doesn’t always mean that you want to have sex with the object of your touch. It can mean a number of things:

I Love you/ I like you

You touch someone because you love (or like) that person. It can be a friend, your mother, your GF/BF or someone you’ve just met. This touch is not sexual is more like “Oh you are so cute” kind of thing. Like petting a puppy.
Examples: a gentle pressure with your five fingers on the other person’s arm or passing your arm on the other person’s shoulder but only for a second

Excuse me or I’m sorry

This person wants you to move from his way so he/she puts his/her hand on your shoulder and says Permiso (excuse me) hoping that you’ll move your butt right away.
The I’m sorry is pretty much the same, except that the argentine person is sorry because he bumped with you and he tries to reach your shoulder with his hand at the same time he says I’m sorry

I’m drunk and I might love you (if you give me the chance)

You can tell how much love is bursting to come out from the argentines hearts when the argentines are drunk. All the hugs they didn’t receive from their parents when they were little, all the sweet words that their first grade teacher didn’t tell them, all of that is going to be for you. In 5 seconds the drunk touchy argentine will be all over you telling you how cool and loveable you are. My advice is : leave before the nostalgia turns into horniness (unless you are into that)

I’m low and awful so I want you to feel the same way

This is a kind of touch that it doesn’t feel right at all. Usually it comes from a drunk argentine that never learned how to express his/her feelings (there are a lot). They can give you a hug, or touch your shoulder, or whatever but it’s always uncomfortable and even though you try to state clear that you want him/her far away they keep doing their thing. That things is obviously to annoy you. My advice: buy him/her a drink and look for the nostalgic kind of drunk argentine.

I want to have sex with you (maybe not tonight though)

This is the situation: You, an argentine and a couple of drinks. If the argentine touches your hair, hand or face, he is definitely into you but wants to take it slowly.

I want to have sex with you (in the bathroom of the bar, NOW!)
Same situation that in the previous case except for the touches. If he/she touches your leg, neck/chest, tummy or the inside of your arms, he/she wants to say that life is too short to be talking about philosophy, politics or you.

PS: IMPORTANT!!! This has nothing to do with touching. I need the time out guide NY 2008 edition (well it can be the 2007 if there is no option) Are you coming from the states this week or next? Do you live in Buenos Aires but you have the NY guide with you? I´ll buy it. Please help me!!! Thank you a lot

Big-mac Index

2008-07-28T13:35:00.006-03:00

According to the big mac index , we are now more expensive than the US. The big mac costs 3.64 dollars while in the US costs 3,57, in Australia 3,36 and in Japon 2,62!!!

Please, economyst and smart people who read my blog, what do you have to say about this?

This is sad for Argentina, it shows that we never learn anything, not even from the very recent 2001 crisis that lasted till 2003. Only 5 years have passed and we are back in our we-are-rich mode. We are paying 380 pesos to go to concerts, 10 pesos for a crappy burger, 80 pesos for a shitty t-shirt. Anyway, we all know how this is going to end, but we pretend that this time the party will last forever, like we did before.

Argentina is an endless Deja-Vú

Milanesa a la napolitana con papas fritas

2008-07-22T23:57:00.006-03:00

The milanesa (breaded veal) a la napolitana is one of the few typical dishes from Buenos Aires. Everyone adore it, or at least eat it every once in a while.
The story goes like this: There was this restaurant in microcentro and there was a guy who used to go there every single day ( the kind of person that I wouldn´t even look at). One day, he arrived later than usual and all they had left in the kitchen was a burnt Milanesa. The owner of the place, afraid that if they didn´t feed the guy they´d loose a client, took the burnt milanesa and added tomato sauce, ham and cheese on top of it. He served the milanesa with french fries and Voila: He invented the Milanesa a la napolitana (with fritas/fries).
I´m telling all this because I want to recommend a place in Abasto (actually you can find this restaurant in other parts of the city, but I´m not sure they have this promotion). It´s called Kentucky, in Corrientes corner with Billinghurst. They serve a gigantic milanesa with fries and a 1.5 litter bottle of soda all for 30 pesos. When I say gigantic I mean enormous. I shared this menu with 2 friends and we were completely satisfied. Can you believe it? 3 people eating for 30 pesos!!! I don´t remember paying 10 pesos since 2002.
Anyway, go, live the porteño experience, and go back to your country telling the story about the gigantic milanesa that was for 3 people to share but you ended up eating by yourself.

By the way, if you don´t like milanesas, they have very good porteño style pizzas.

This is the beauty I was talking about. This picture was taken by Sandro. Thank you a lot!!!

Starbucks...

2008-06-30T00:47:00.003-03:00

As a defender of the old style cafes of buenos aires, the other day I decided to go to Starbucks´s to taste their products, but I couldn't : about 60 people were standing in line waiting outside in the cold to buy their coffee. It made me wanna cry.

Almost everybody in the line were teenagers wearing expensive clothes but with an extreme lack of taste/personality/style and sad couples in their 20´s but who already act like their 50 yo parents. People who would normally go to eat at Mc Donald's, Burger king or Aroma- for a romantic dinner-.

I was really shocked by this sight. Why is it so cool to go to Starbucks? Why were they whiling to wait for an hour to but an expensive-but-not-so-good coffee? Since when teenagers from BA enjoy coffee?

So my advice is: if you are missing Starbucks, you better buy a plane ticket, flight back to your country and have it there; you´ll be saving a lot of time an effort.

San Telmo through my eyes

2008-06-24T19:51:00.004-03:00

The neighbourhood is charming: Cobblestone streets, antique architecture, old stores managed by its 80 yo owner, etc, etc.

But....

The pipes of the building don´t work as they should so your downstairs neighbour calls you at 7 on a Saturday morning to tell you that there is a leak in his bathroom coming from your apartment. And then he sends you the plumber on Sunday at 8 am.

You want to buy groceries but you have to wait for ages till the owner of the store finishes the chat with a client that has been shopping there every single day for the last 2 centuries.

It´s a very international, diverse and interesting neighbourhood since a lot of young and bohemian tourists choose to stay or live here.

That´s why...

They are turning San Telmo into the new Palermo Soho. Now you can find an Havanna Cafe, a freddo ice-cream store, and in some stores you have to buzz if you want to go in. Not to mention the menus in English (something impossible to find not so long ago), the prices in US Dollars (or Euros) and the Leather stores!!! I hate leather stores, they are depressing.

Plus a lot of strangers keep saying "hello" ( in English) to you in the streets, because they think you are a friendly (or stupid) tourist who is whiling to have a conversation and then take them stranger to your temporary apartment to dance Tango naked (and more). When this happen to me for the first time - the hello part, I mean- I thought it was kind of nice, after a few weeks, it´s annoying, plus you know the real intentions and you want to spit on their face.

It´s a quiet neighbourhood only 5 minutes away from downtown

mmmmm.....

well it´s 5 minutes away on a Sunday morning when there is no traffic!

And when they say quiet, they should warn you that what they mean is that there are no taxi cabs at night, or that you cannot find kiosks open 24/7 or big supermarkets and that some stores close at siesta time (this is nice, actually). Or they should also tell you that probably your neighbours are a bunch of international students who party at least 6 nights a week.

Butting Diva? Pleeease

2008-06-22T13:46:00.007-03:00

Me: Hey, You are butting (I was speaking Spanish, of course)

A.H: Excuse me? (the prick answered in English)

Me: I said, Stop butting me!

A.H: No problem (again, he replied in English, pretending that he couldn´t understand)

Me: Look, I´ve heard you speaking Spanish before so don´t give me that crap ( I couldn't believe that someone would dare to do that stupid trick, specially when his English accent was sooo lame)

A.H: (mute)

Me: Plus, we can speak English, if that´s what you want (I said that in English)

A.H: Oh Please, please, please, please, please, please (seriously he said Por favor like a million times, very mad). What are you saying? I´ve been here for 2 hours and you´ve just arrived. ( He was very uncomfortable because everybody started to pay attention to our conversation)

Me: I´ve just arrived and you were not here!

A.H: Oh god, why do I have to speak to a Concha? (if you don´t know the meaning of concha go here. In Argentina, this term is used by gay guys to refer to women and it´s not as offensive as in other countries)

Me: Probably because you cannot speak to a Penis anymore (He was a middle aged decadent gay guy)

A.H: This is my space also, that´s your space, this is mine (he started mumbling incoherences). There are no barriers.

Me: There is an invisible barrier between you and me that you don´t have to cross

A.H: Don´t give queers a hard time, my love.

Me: I´m not giving you or any queer a hard time, ask my friends ( My friends: 3 homos). Just get out of my way.

A.H: Please, please, please, please ( he started with the por favor once more, he knew that he was not going to win and he was sooooo mad. My friends were laughing out loud right next to him)

Me: Stop it!!!!

The guy finally went away and I was happy again. Once more I saved the world from the irrespectfulness and stupidity of arrogant porteños.

Is she porteña?

2008-06-14T01:36:00.007-03:00

You are dating a girl but you are not sure if she is porteña or not? Answer truth or false to the following statements. If more than 4 are true, there is no doubt that the girl is 100% porteña

1- You met her a week ago and you are already getting tired of her demmands

2- She talks about her last boyfriend, how bad the relationship was and how hurt she is

3- She says things like "Argentine men are idiots/inmature/ass-----"

4- She asks you if you like her or if you "really" like here at least once every 2 sentences

5- She gets mad at stupid things and 2 minutes after yelling at you she is calm and sweat again

6-She goes crazy if you talk to the waitress more than what she thinks it´s appropriate

7- She compares herself to other women and asks your opinion about it

8-If you pay to much attention to her she´ll feel like you are invading her space

9- if you don´t call her for a day she´ll think that you are cheating or that you´ve lost interest

Why is this week so important for our country?

2008-05-25T10:58:00.005-03:00

You should know, but I´ll tell you anyway.

Almost 200 hundred years ago, there was a major revolution in Buenos Aires, and basically we kicked the Spaniard viceroy´s butt and sent him back to his country and blah blah blah. But all of that is history, who cares about what happened 200 years ago? Why should it be important to commemorate the week of the Revolution of May?

Luckily, some very smart businessmen had a vision( I can imagine them meeting at a conference room just like in the days of the Revolution of May and planning a new revolution) and they decided that this week was no longer going to commemorate something that happened so long ago. So they declared that from now on this is the week of the Pizza and Empanadas (May 24th to May 31th).

How brilliant is that? Forget about history, think about Pizza and Empanadas. This is a strong message that I´m sure it´ll help our future generations to discern what is really important. Pizza and Empanadas week. Sounds great, tastes better.

So instead of trying to find out what happened in Buenos Aires in 1810, find out which are the new flavours in your favourite Pizza place.

Pizza and Empanadas: The stars of the Revolution of May

Theater Colon turns 100

2008-05-25T10:41:00.002-03:00

One of the most important opera houses in the world is closed for its birthday because they are "restoring it". This process started 2 years ago, and the works were going to finish before the 100th anniversary, but, since we are in Argentina, and we are always running a little bit late, it will take another 2 years till the restoration is complete.

This theater is one of the must- sees in Buenos Aires, and even though you cannot enjoy a show in there, at least you can take a guided visit. But only for 2 weeks, after that they´ll go back to "work".

Here is the link of the calendar with all the guided visits and the performances (that will take place in other theaters)

Read about me in The Argentimes

2008-05-08T14:36:00.002-03:00

So, there is an article about me and my tours in The Argentimes. You can get it for free or you can download it at their website. It´s in the edition #37 page 25.

see you

Don´t bite the hand that feeds you

2008-05-06T19:45:00.005-03:00

This is what every Porteño should say...

From Wipe magazine May 2008 edition

Café Aroma: Why?

2008-04-29T23:09:00.003-03:00

Why would anyone choose to go to his place? We have a ton of beautiful, authentic, old, new, cafes why would you choose this one?

Their coffee is ok I have to admit, but...

1. Service.

What´s the point in going to a cafe when you have to ask for the coffee at the counter? You are probably thinking "this diva doesn´t understand the concept of fast food" You are wrong! I do understand that concept, but this place is not like MCdonalds where food is fast for real. There were 3 people behind eh counter. The cashier who was also in charge of putting the croissants, cakes, whatever in you tray, then the coffee maker girl, who was operating a machine that could make 5 coffees at the same time but apparently she didn´t know how to prepare more than 1 at a time, and a guy scratching his private parts with total impunity . I spent about 15 minutes waiting for my cafe au lait (why in french?) and he maybe 5 more till the girl charged me.

2. Food

They don´t have Sugar and spice cookies. WRONG!!! Plus I went here at 8.30 am and they had already run out of croissants, can you believe that? 89,9% of porteños eat that for breakfast, haven´t they thought about that? Buy 6000 croissants and 12 raisin cookies, not the other way around, Aroma manager

3.Ambient

I cannot stand fake wood, and they have it all over the place ,which, by the way, has no personality at all, like the crap they serve.

4. Coolness

Nonexistent (except for he few minutes I spent in there).

5. Cleanness

There are 2 types of cleanness. A- Clean B- So damn clean that smells like a private hospital. This is the type B. But they didn´have toilet paper when I went.

5. Other things

They have those big fridges where you can grab bottled water and other beverages, that later you have to pay at the counter. So far is the same process hat in any kiosk, so what´s the difference? That they charge you double.

If I were you I´d...

2008-04-20T12:38:00.003-03:00

Read my suggestions on what to do in Buenos Aires in the latest edition of Time Out magazine.

That´s it.

Do it.

NOW!!!

Tourists and Toilets

2008-04-10T17:46:00.005-03:00

I live in San Telmo now. I´m not alone, I share my neighbourhood with a lot of tourists. I go to the bars and cafes in San Telmo almost every day. Tourists too. I use the public restrooms in San telmo. Tourists too. I don´t walk around with my pants down on the public restrooms. Tourists do!!!

Holly crap, I´m seeing a lot more butts than what I´m used to. Is this running around in a public bathroom showing your butt something that only happens one week a year? Is this like an anglo saxon tradition I´ve never heard of? Because I don´t like it, and I´ll do whatever it takes to avoid watching such a show.

Monday. I went to the bathroom. I do my thing. As I´m leaving the toilet, the door next to mine suddenly opens and I see a 2o something year old girl saying something to me. I pretend I didn´t hear and I walk away so she raises her voice forcing me to look at her. She was sited in thetoilet with her pants down asking for toilet paper. Of course I pretended that I didn´t understand what she was saying and I run away as fast as I could. After that I had to return to my table where my cafe con leche and medialunas were waiting for me. I hated her, I couldn´t get her I-dont-Know-How-To-Clean-My-Butt-in-a-foreign-country face out of my mind.

Saturday, Recoleta, La Biela ( a famous cafe where you pay 42 pesos for a salad). I open the door and there she was, with her touristy shorts wide open and falling off her butt. Apparently (this is what I guessed), she unbuttoned her shorts and she noticed that there was no toilet paper, so she decided that it was OK to walk around in the bathroom showing her flaccid butt to the rest of the world.Personally, I don´t think is a normal behaviour, but maybe is just because I didn´t share many bathrooms with tourists.

Guide to getting laid in BA

2008-03-21T11:41:00.002-03:00

Hey, I wrote an article for a very cool website. It´s about getting laid in Buenos Aires, so you NEED to read it.
Here is the link
http://matadornights.com/guide-to-getting-laid-in-buenos-aires/

Homeless tour guide

2008-03-16T21:09:00.001-03:00

Not anymore!

Desesperada!!!

2008-02-15T00:55:00.002-02:00

Hi. Well, I was looking for inspiration on Craig´s list, but I found something better. A master piece. An x-ray into a porteña´s brain. I don´t want to say too much, just read it:

Advice on dating someone I really liked - w4m - 40

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-558122896@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-31, 8:08AM ART

I met someone 3 weeks ago. I´m from here but he is from other country. I can say that we both belong to the same continent. Our ages are similar. We haven´t seen each other much. You may be asking yourself what the complication is...

He made it clear he liked me. I do like him. But...

I FEEL I BLEW IT!!!
Reasons?

> He gave no signs of asking me out again (funny if he´d said he´d found me good looking)
> His last goodbye was cold (no comment about calling me again or writing me etc.) i was hoping for a kiss but is it soon for a man from other culture?
> He never asked about my plans for coming days
> up to now no calls o messages (2 days after we saw each other last time)

Positive points about him to me:
> it was/is clear that he was not dating anyone (he lives alone)
> he never "no" to my suggestion to see each other-responded fast to my suggestions
> listened to me
> looked at me
> he enthiusiasticallyl agreed to see each other (3 times, first short outing)

About me?

> I haven´t dated in a long time, therefore I became/become very impersonal
> I never asked him what his likes where (just found out after I´d seen him last, how stupid of me!)
> I kept talking about general stuff
> I shifted my eyes too many times (Because his are so beautiful...)
> I cannot read him since he is from other country WORST PART!!!!!!!!!
> I have problems with signals from him in general BAD!!!
> I kept thinking how much i´d like to see him more to get to know him better (then losing concentration on the moment i was spending there and then with him)
> I continued thinking about his comment about me being goodlooking (thoght it was just a remark to get close to me)

i sincerely think that if i sent him a simple e-mail, suggesting that we could see each other again, he maybe is going to tell me to find other "chat buddy" or maybe he is going to be more polite saying that he is busy at the moment. This would certainly kill me!!! it would be the end!!!

I liked him. To me he is attractive. He is caring -to me he was-. He listened to me. His eyes are something from other world (should I tell him?) His hair colour is very nice too. He is (apparently) wellbalanced. He knows what he wants. He is focused. The type of man I need. I like him physically too

I am not the type to be so open and say such things to a man but... what signals should i have given him to make him understand that I like him?
would i be a fool if i call or write him to suggest to see each other (with an excuse?) what are the signals expected? I have never dated a man from his country. what are the signals in his country from woman?

Is it over and done with in the mind of a man from this country? -developed one-

I feel a fool.
He is no fool.
Am i a looser? have i lost him? should i have to wait? how long?

Heroes in the city

2008-02-08T15:57:00.000-02:00

This is a story of human kindness. A story that will bring tears to your eyes.
This is the story about a stupid girl who locked herself out of the apartment without noticing it (she forgot the keys inside) an when she came back half-drunk from a party at 2.30 am, she searched for the keys for half an hour till she realized that she was in trouble. This is the story about me being an airhead!
So, I never lock the door. I live in a building with a lot of security, and that makes me feel safe enough.
When I came back from the party and I realized that I couldn’t get in, one of the security guards gave me the phone number of a cerrajero (locksmith) so I called him. He said he would be in my place in 10 minutes, so I got to spend time talking with the security guards for the first time. I have to say they are really fun. They told me stories about the people from the building. Like, there is a group of old people, who comes down from their apartment at 7.50 pm, just to make sure that the tennis court is closed exactly at 8pm (bitches). This same group, wants to force an internal "law" so people with kids and pets can’t walk through the hall with them after 8 pm. apparently, for this people, life ends at 8pm. Get real! You are in Buenos Aires. You live in the middle of the city. All your neighbors are at least 30 years younger than you. Buy plasma and stop bothering us. I want to play tennis after 8pm!!!!
Anyway, all this blah blah is just to give you my recommendation of this locksmith who will go to your place at 2, 3, 5 am or whenever you need. I don’t even know his name, but this is his number: 155.966.2119

Great news!!!

2008-02-04T16:20:00.000-02:00

Are you back in the States and you are missing Argentina? You´ve tried with Dulce de leche and mate but you are still nostalgic? well, don´t worry, the best party in BA will be in your country this spring. Yeap, ZIZEK party, is touring around USA. For more infor check their website

Jajaja

2008-01-19T19:38:00.000-02:00

Spit it out

2008-01-17T10:20:00.000-02:00

Companies always have a person (or a whole department)that handles the complaints from their customers and they use that information to improve their service. This is something common. But have you heard about companies that encourage their employees to complaint about their customers, in fact they give them the power to yell at them in their face? Well, in Buenos Aires , Metrovias (our cutting-edge subway company) is "testing" this new method. Their chofers had to deal with lots of stress, anger and angst, so one of the geniouses of the company had a great idea: Lets give them a microphone so they can spit out their thoughts to all the passengers! And that´s what they do.
Usually, those microphones are used to comunicate that the next stop is the last one, or that there´s been an accident, things like that, but Buenos Aires is different, we like to express ourselves, so when a porteño has a microphone available, he/she will fearlessly use it. So do the chofers.

This are some of the phrases I´ve heard while I was on a subway.

*You use the subway everyday, haven´t you learned how to use it properly?
*I don´t understand you people, you have a million doors and you all try to go through the same one. what´s in your brain?
*Hey, bro, haven´t you heard the beep? You don´t have to get in the train AFTER THE BEEP!!!!!!!!AFTER THE BEEP!!!!!!!!!!
*(after someone almost got traped by a door)I´m surprised with the lack of intelligence of the people(unclear cursing, mentioning a female parrot´s private part....)

So, next time you use the subways, pay atention to the drivers, maybe they are calling you
C...sucker and you didn´t pay attention...

Buy my magazine. NOW!

2008-01-11T11:17:00.000-02:00

Hi, me and some friends have published a magazine. You can be one of the lucky ones who will own the first issue. I wrote a great article about speed dating in BA. Then we also have a lot of interesting articles like...well, buy it and find out for yourself.

Is not that we want to make money out of this, but we need to sell them in order to print the second issue; so come on! don´t be a cheapskate and support young, smart, fun and great people from Buenos Aires (that is to say, support Me)

It only costs 6 pesos and It´s in spanish, so you will be able to practice everything you´ve learned.

Thank you

Tons of love

2008-01-08T13:42:00.000-02:00

Wow, I never noticed how much sex people have in BA. At least all my neighbours. For the first time in my life, I´m living in a very tall and huge building with thin walls and belive me that sometimes sex noises are so loud that it´s almost uncomfortable. Yesterday my neighbours were having sex in the balcony, only 70 cm away from my balcony (and yes, I saw them, they were completely naked and they weren´t trying to hide anything). Plus, there is another huge building across the street and I also have a very good "view". More or less at 9pm, everybody walks around naked (probably after they take a shower), and 3 hours later the love making starts. Aparently there is some sort of general routine, or maybe those are the rules of that building: sex from 11pm to 1.30 am, walking around naked from 9pm to 11pm.
I don´t have any scientific conclusion yet, but I guess I´ll have to continue with my investigation.

One more thing; the pictures for this blog have been censored, sorry...

Searching for the Authentic

2008-01-06T15:53:00.000-02:00

The other day I went to a little restaurant I used to go all the time, but then I got a little tired so i didn´t go for a while. My friend was coming to visit me from the states so I thought it would be a quiet charming place where we could talk for hours. I was wrong.
When we got there all the tables were taken so we waited outside longer than usual. Later, the waiter called us so we went to our table. As I crossed the room I heard about 3 different languages. Then, I looked around and I saw a scary amount of guide books on the tables. It was sad. And not because the tourists were invading "my" little restaurant but because they were looking all over the place searching for something that was no longer there: the authenticity. They were waiting for something to happpen, something funnny or crazy, or with "local flavour" or maybe just trying to discover why would someone list that place on a guide book. Probably when the writer went there a year ago or so, the place was still charming, but unhappily now it´s just another touristy restaurant.
I´m kind of concerned. I think that travelling involves more than just whitnessing "locals" doing their stuff and trying to be there taking pictures of the extrange culture.
So my advice is...

BITCH TOURS

The Guide to tacky Buenos Aires part 1

2007-12-23T16:00:00.000-03:00

Every guide book about Buenos Aires already covers the tackyest place in Buenos Aires, that is to say, La Boca, but what about the rest of the tackyness? Who is writing about those places ? Not a lot of people. But don´t worry, I´m coming to the rescue. Here you have the best (and only) guide to tacky BA.

The first chapter is my way of saying merry Christmas to all of you!!!

The guide

Buenos Aires is not just an European style city with lots of art and stylish people, as many guide books say. It´s also a paradise of cheesyness and bad taste, even though some people want to hide it or pretend that it doesn´t exist, tackynees is all around us. I invite you to be part of that side of Buenos aires and experience the GRASA ( Grasa [adj, gender invariable] (lit. ‘grease’): kitsch, ridiculous, tasteless (a person, esp. in the lower classes); rude, uneducated) side of Buenos Aires.

1- Tierra Santa: Religious themed Park

"Why we never thought about building a religious themed park?"A Disney CEO said to himelf when he heard about Tierra Santa. And it took him only 2 seconds to find the answer: "Because it´s tacky!!!"
Thank god, that CEO doesn´t live in Buenos Aires, and someone else thought that Tierra Santa would be a good idea.
This park is the best option if you ever wondered whether angels have or not nipples ( I anticipate the answer; they do!!! ). Also you´ll discover that things were not that different when Jesus was alive. People ate Pizza just like us and even went to the Gym ( I know this because I saw a body builder next to baby Jesus). And some of the people from Jerusalem used to smoke Lucky strike just like me!!!
If you are a believer, this place will renew you faith ( as I read in their brochure). You will be able to whitness the resurrection, not 1 but 16 times a day, so if you don´t believe in Jesus after that, start thinking about an eternity in hell...

Eve on her knees; I wonder what she is about to do...

Body-building, not only a 20th century sport

Nipples: angels have them

Double cheese Pizza, a classic back in the old days

The uncool party TODAY

2007-12-06T10:36:00.000-03:00

Today The uncool hunter and NAH! are throwing a party where I´m definitly going.

Where: Niceto Club

When: Today 9 PM

Living with a porteño roomate

2007-12-04T13:45:00.001-03:00

There are a lot of things to say about this matter, and I do say them but not on my blog.

Read the second part of my article in what´s up BA (they added some great pictures!)

Bananas are dangerous fruits

2007-12-02T19:26:00.000-03:00

Buying bananas in Buenos Aires can be a weird/disgusting/pornographic activity; so before you do it, read the following dialogue with the Verdulero (the guy that sells vegetables and fruits, is there a word for that in English?)

Verdulero: What are you looking for?
Me: Bananas
Verdulero (with a nasty look on his face): Do you like´em big?
Me (pretending that he was not an ass): Whatever, as long as they are ripe
Verdulero( with an even nastier look): Oh yeah? You like to eat ripe banana?

I don´t need to say that I left before he even finished saying that...

So next time, when you are craving for a banana, think twice.

Things we say (and its real meaning)

2007-11-14T12:08:00.000-03:00

1.I'll call you
If I ever see you around, maybe I'll say hi

2.It's my treat
I'll be paying, ok ,but I'll be expecting you to offer to split the bill. And if you insist, well, it's your treat then...

3.It´s my fault
If you hadn't done that I wouldn't have made a mistake in the first place

4.The party starts at 12, but everybody will arrive at 1
If you come before 1, you´ll have to help me to arrange everything and I won´t pay you attention

5.I know what I´m saying
I´ve heard that on a TV program or someone told me about it, I don´t remember accurately...

6.The deadline is Tuesday at noon? Got it!
If I work all Wednesday night, I´ll probably finish it

7.I´ve been working really hard lately
I´m taking just 1 coffee/cigarette break an hour

8.You think I´m wrong?
You are stupid! Hahahaha

I love BA

2007-11-06T12:03:00.000-03:00

I´m going to take a break from the bitch and write something nice about BA.

I´ve just arrived in Buenos Aires. I took a cab from Retiro to my place and I realized how beatiful is my city. Maybe is the spring, maybe It´s just that I´m just a zombie after the 10 hours on that bus, but the city is amazing. I love it and I realize how much I missed it while I was gone.

There´s no place like home.

Ok, I´m going to take a shower and run to my therapy. I don´t want to be neurotic for a couple of days

see you

Arte Villero

2007-10-29T22:05:00.000-03:00

Art from 8 different shanty towns in Buenos Aires, don´t miss it!!!

Where: Boquitas Pintadas pop hotel - Estados Unidos 1393

When: Everyday from 11 AM to 6 PM till Nov 24th

Enjoy it!

Elections

2007-10-25T22:48:00.000-03:00

This Sunday we are having the elections for president, governors, etc. We all know that nothing´s going to change, not even the last name of the president. Elections are sad, and not just because you cannot go out the night before, also, because you have to waste your time on Sunday to go and vote. Is not that I´m a bad citizen or anything, but we all know that there is no hope, at least with our politicians . Things cannot be solved with politics.

Discover who the porteños will vote by some key phrases

"I´m saving some money to travel, I haven´t been to Europe since the 90´s and I really want to go. And now that my Kiosk is working so well, I can afford it"

This person is voting for Cristina Kirchner

"I´m tired of saying it: We should set on fire all the shanty towns and that´s gonna stop the crimes and a a lot of the Argentinian problems"

This person is voting for Lopez Murphy

" I hate this government, I hate the K family, I hate everything as it is right now"

This person is voting for Lilita Carrio

"Elections? this Sunday? Oh, what a surprise!"

This person is going to close his eyes and pick up whatever paper his hand reaches

"I´m not very good at making friends, but since I ´m a militant for this party, not only I made lots of friend, I also met a girl and I´m no longer a 24 year old virgin"

This person is going to vote for the Humanist Party

Hightlights of Buenos Aires: Locutorios

2007-10-18T21:18:00.000-03:00

We have the tango, the football, the beef and the locutorios. And what are these places - you are probably wondering, if you are not living here already.... Well, they are stores that have phone booths and Computers with Internet connection.

A lot of people here don´t have their own PC (or Internet connection) at home, so they use the services provided by these places. You are probably thinking what is the interesting thing about this kind of store. For the regular person; nothing. But for the trained eye, these places are an amazing collection of improper, weird and disrespectful ( sometimes nasty) behaviour... and more.

Crazy things happen in these places. You cannot experience the REAL buenos Aires without going at least once to these 21st century´s chamber of horrors. Since you are a visitor (or whatever), I´ll give you a quick guide so you can check if the place you are in, is in fact a Locutorio or not. Read the list below and make sure that at least 3 items match

Bad smell: The repugnant odor you´ll smell is a mixture of every human fluid with unknown substances .

Filth: You´ll notice that every computer or telephone have the same color: Grey.
Is not because they have a conservative sense of style, it´s because everything is covered by dirt (and who knows what else...)

Ugly people : since I have my computer at home, I usually don´t have to go to the locutorio, but every once in a while, the connections fails and I have to run to the one that is located one block away. I´ve found out that after 11 PM, nobody in the locutorio is nice or pretty (with some exceptions, of course)

Bad music: No explanation here

Rude clerks: This is a must. You can recognize them by three annoying habits that they have.
-When you want to pay, they don´t pay attention because they are busy chatting on MSN
-When they talk to you they don´t look at you because they are busy chatting on MSN
-When you say Hi or Bye, they don´t answer because they are busy chatting on MSN

Do you need anything? He can do it

2007-10-09T21:17:00.000-03:00

Personal Chef
Reply to: javierchomer@xxx.comDate: 2007-10-09, 3:25PM ART

Hello My name is Javier, I am from Buenos Aires. I go to your place and prepare dishes, I know about different cuisine, I can make all sort of dishes. I charge 20 pesos an hour.

Clases de español 15 pesos la hora/spanish classes 15 pesos per hour

Reply to: javierchomer@xxx.comDate: 2007-10-09, 3:12PM ART
Doy clases de español para diferentes niveles, las clases son muy entretenidas. Por 2 horas 25 pesos , por una hora 15 pesos. Las clases son muy entretenidas I give Spanish classes to different levels, the classes are very entertein. For 2 hours is 25 pesos, for an hour is 15 pesos. My name is Javier

Night of the museums AND MORE!!!

2007-10-07T17:23:00.000-03:00

The night of the museums is one of my favorite events in Buenos Aires. So even thought I wasn´t feeling very good, I just couldn't´t miss it. So I went with a couple of friends and their friends. Everything was just fine till we went for dinner at El Sanjuanino. There, I was suddenly taken away from my artistic-naive-sensitive mode and set back into my Bitch mode.

Two things happened that really shocked me:

First, that the "ensalada mixta" (salad), an Argentinian classic since the colonial days (well actually I don´t know since when, but probably for a long time) was made with Lettuce and carrots!!! Yeah, instead of using tomatoes, they put carrots without even telling us!!! I can understand that, since the tomatoes are a luxurious item now, but at least let us now, maybe we don´t like carrots.

And the second part was even more shocking.

You know me, I´m extremely critical with my culture. We (porteños) can be really annoying, and sometimes we can cheat or even break the law without feeling any guilt. And I thought that that kind of behaviour was our patrimony. But yesterday it all changed. Now I know that cheating , I would say the VIVEZA CRIOLLA, is not just CRIOLLA, it´s universal and I´ll explain why.

At the restaurant, we (6 people) all ordered our food and drinks, then we ate it, drank everything, spilled wine and after that we ordered the check. So far everything OK. The bill was 160 pesos, and after we "all" put the money that we owed, 40 pesos were missing. I was the only Argentinian there, and I was the first one to put the money on the table. One of us asked one "who hasn´t payed yet?", but of course, nobody replied. I was really surprised cause I knew who was the one who wasn´t paying, and she wasn´t Argentinian, she was from the US. So two of us (not me) had to pay for her. We were all too embarrassed to even mention it. In my 26 years in Buenos Aires (and in the planet), this is the first time that something like this happens to me. Then she left like if nothing had happened. I´m still thinking about it.

Sad.

He also witnessed everything...

What´s up BA new website

2007-10-01T18:13:00.000-03:00

Hey.
What´s up BA, a website with information about BA, has a brand new (and way cooler) design. And a realy really brilliant new writter: ME.
Check the first part of my article about living with Porteños
Besos

Saturday Afternoon

2007-09-27T11:48:00.000-03:00

If you were wondering about what to do this Saturday after lunch, don´t worry about it anymore.
You can participate (or witness) the 8th national Living statues contest. That´s right, they have been organizing contest for 8 years now, and i have to confess that I´ve never been in such strange contest. But everything will change for me this Saturday.

If you also what to be part of this exciting event, her are the details:

8º Concurso Nacional de Estatuas Vivientes
Sabado 29 de Septiembre
3 PM
Paraguay 1318

Last year´s winner

Hasta luego!

La primavera

2007-09-25T12:56:00.000-03:00

The spring has come. The weather is slowly (very slowly) becoming warmer. The flowers are growing, the girls are wearing less clothes, and the porteño werewolves are out on the streets waiting for their next victim.
Yes, Buenos Aires is not a mini skirt friendly city (or should I say that is excessively friendly with mini skirts?). If you want to walk around without driving too much attention (towards your body) you better not wear revealing clothes. And by revealing I´m not talking about being dressed like a slut, I´m talking about, skirts (any kind), dresses and t shirts that show your belly.
Aparently, men from Buenos Aires, haven´t received any education when it comes to how to treat women, o they´ve made up their own rules without the supervision of any member of the opposite sex.
These are some examples of "normal" men behavior:

If a group of men are talking on the street and a girl passes them walking, they should all stop the conversation, stare at her and turn their heads to keep staring at her until she* is no longer visible ( * her butt)

If you are walking alone, and someone finds you very attractive, he is entitled to tell you whatever it is on his mind. And usually those minds are full of nasty (nasty) thoughts...

If you look extremely attractive to someone, he can not only say nasty things , but he can try to get closer and pretend that he is going to touch you ( they only touch you in the worst cases, please don´t panic)
If You are in a bar/disco, and someone finds you attractive and he tries to talk to you but don´t want to, he can scream at you or even insult you just because you didn´t pay him the attention he deserved.
If a guy is with his girlfriend but he also thinks you are pretty, he can make you feel very uncomfortable by staring at you all night, or even try to flirt.

Hey I´m not talking about Piropos here. Or innocent flirting. I´m talking about when men are rude and think that girls are pretty things for their entertainment. So please, lets make the spring better for everybody, even for pretty girls.
And my advice for the guys: You can get the attention of girls without being a jerk, I promise.

Politics in the Bondi (Bus)

2007-09-20T12:21:00.001-03:00

I´m going to write down some of the highlights of a discussion among a bus driver, and the 2 passengers on the first seat (while he was driving and cursing, of course)

"The blood of the Argentinians is corrupted. There is filth running trough our veins. 80% of the people are polluted with the corruption Virus" Bus Driver

"These guys are collecting signatures to approve a law and They´ve asked for mine. I told them: " this is not the way to do it, nobody will pay attention even if you collect 30000000 signatures. The only way is to force the politicians" ( I wonder what he was talking about when he said "force the politicians" ) Passenger #1

"If the president cannot stop inflation, if the president can´t repair the streets, if the president can´t educate us, then he shouldn't´t be the President" Passenger #2

We have sooo many opinions about everything. And nobody is ashamed of speak out. Maybe sometimes we should.

Anything you can do I can do better...

2007-09-16T19:05:00.000-03:00

We are better. But better than who? Well, apparently, than anyone else ( for some childish porteños...)

Oh! You are from Yankeelandia! (yankeelandia =USA)

Porteño mind:

You owe me a drink just because your president is screwing us ("us" means "the rest of the world" in this case). And by the way, maybe you own the world, but we the ones who are enjoying life!

Oh!You are From Spain!

Porteño mind:

I wonder why Spain is doing better than us, I mean, look at this guy, he is exactly like me, he just has this annoying accent.

Oh! You are from France!

Porteño mind:

You are the best lovers in the world? Ha, This guys don´t know what they are talking about. Let me do your wife so she can decide who is the BEST.

Oh! You are from Canada!

Porteño mind:

I don´t know what´s going on in Canada, but they live next to the US. So, the same goes for you guys.

Oh! You are From Brazil!

Porteño Mind:

So What, you have the beautiful beaches and the hot girls, but we can kick your ass in Soccer

Portrait of our people

2007-09-11T20:04:00.000-03:00

We are beautiful people, I mean, we ( porteños) are exceptional.

We are friendly and a lot MORE.

The other day I was walking around with my camera until I saw this and I thought it was extremely cute:

I´m talking about the little dog in the backpack., of course. Here is a closer image:

but the guy noticed that I was taking pictures, and as a very nice porteño that he is, he posed for the camera and I felt forced to take a picture of him saying hi:

What I didn´t capture is what he did next. He turned the waving of his hand into another common gesture here: he put the tip of his fingers together and moved his thumb up and down. I don´t know if you know this gesture, but just in case you don´t get it I´ll say it more clear: he was asking for money.

Dumb ass, I should pay the dog, not you!!!

Wine with wine

2007-09-06T17:41:00.000-03:00

Argentina has really good wines, blah, blah, blah, excellent wines, blah, blah....

But saying it it´s not enough, you have to try them, get drunk, pass out, wake up with a hangover and then you´ll be entitled to express you opinion

And what better change than going to the wine fair?

It´s just for 3 days starting today in La Rural (this is in Palermo, Plaza Italia)

From 6pm till midnight

Good luck with wine experience!

Time out magazine loves Diva (and Bitch tours of course)

2007-09-04T00:13:00.000-03:00

Hey, my tours are recommended in the Time out magazine! It´s great, I´m really happy.

So go buy the magazine right now.

Ans a message for the responsible of the recommendation: I owe you like a million "carne a cuchillo"empanadas, and I always pay my debts. Thank you a lot!!!!

Cultural exchange

2007-08-31T14:55:00.000-03:00

*The pictures are from a friend, arent´t they cool?

Every expat/tourist/traveller/martian/whatever is interested in having an authentic cultural exchange with the locals of the visited place, right?. That´s healthy and smart and makes you feel that you are immersed in the new culture, and not just taking advantage of the devalued currency (or whatever you could take advantage of)

However, some people don´t understand the meaning of cultural exchange. well is not that I have a phd in cultural exchange or anything, but I do know that copying is not an exchange, is thievery, is fake. And you don´t want to be a phony, right? (well maybe you do, in that case just wait till I write the "Faking porteños for dummies guide").

It´s ok to not fit perfectly in a different culture, after all you don´t have to, it´s almost impossible. You can try to be polite, respect their rules, but you cannot pretend that you know exactly how everything works and think that you´ve learned everything and you have graduated from the expat in Buenos Aires school.

Probably you´ll find that a lot of our rules and habits are great but others are annoying and make no sense. That´s normal. What you cannot do is to use the rules for your convenience. Oh, you don´t understand what I´m saying? let me clarify with some examples:

The kissing rule

When you got here you were surprised by the huge amount of kissing. We kiss to say hello, we kiss to say goodbye, we kiss all the time. First time you saw that you were like "wow, I´m going to kiss all the pretty girls" or something like tat. Yes sure, kiss all the pretty girls, but if you decided to adopt this "rule" you have to kiss the guys too!!! So prepare those lips, use balm, maybe a little lip gloss and kiss till your lips sore.

Not tipping

You met some really "smart " porteños that told you something like "this is just a bar, we don´t need to tip" or "the waiter won´t even care, they are used to not receiving tips", and following their wise advise you start to tip less or not tip at all. Look, this only proves that you are a cheapskate, not that you are immersed in this culture. So next time think twice before having some lame excuse to avoid the tipping part. That leads me to the next bad habit hat some foreigners "catch" from us.

Giving excuses

We are masters in this area in particular. I think that we could won the olympic games for this discipline that unfortunately is not official yet. We have been practicing this sports since we were in elementary school. We know exactly what to say in every occasion and we don´t feel guilty by making the worst lies ever. Even telling that you mother or father died is fair in this dirty game. You, on the other hand, have no clue about how this works. So if you don´t show up at some place at a certain time and when you apologize you say something like "there was a traffic jam" all the porteños in the room will simply hate you. For us , inventing excuses is a fine art, so if you are going to lie, at least put some energy in telling an amazing story that makes us laugh, or that makes us feel your pain (fake pain of course).

So that´s it. I have to go. I have to keep working for the wellness of the human race.

Trasnochedanza

2007-08-31T09:27:00.000-03:00

Hi!. My friends are having a Not-a-party-exactly. I don´t know how to describe it. You can dance but maybe there won´t have music all the time. And after the dancing part, they´ve prepared some performances. I´m definitely going. If you are looking for something unusual, you should check out this "party".

TrasnocheDanza

7 PM jam

10 PM performances

velez sarfield 218 -barracas

See you there!!!

Talking with our hands: Don´t cross the line

2007-08-27T23:17:00.000-03:00

If you live here or you´ve seen a porteño talking, you probably already know that we use our hands a lot when we talk. I`ve learned how to control myself with my clients, but I used to be almost a mime. For example if I had to say sun, I would say it and at the same time I would point to the sky. To say "car" I would grab an invisible wheel and make a turn, and for "hair" I would touch my hair. Yeah, I looked kind of retarded. Luckily I have myself to put me on the good path. I think I was not confident about my English and I thought that people would understand better if I did all these crazy signals all the time. So once I discovered that annoying habit I stopped making so many movements (and a fool of myself).

Bitch tours survival guide to BA and porteños
Useful information for a better stay

Next time you are talking to an annoying porteño/a, the ones that cannot shut their big mouth and won´t listen to you not even for a second, try this: Tye his/her hands in the back and he/she would go instantly mute.

Once more the Music festival

2007-08-26T00:00:00.000-03:00

Hey, you cannot miss the Buenos Aires music festival. No, seriously, I mean it.
It starts the 29th and it finishes september 2nd. Here you have the link to the official website, there must be something that you like...

http://www.bafim.buenosaires.gov.ar/

It's only in spanish (it's funny, but they have the english flag, but it doesn't link to anything, so practice that spanish)

Bus = Tardiness?

2007-08-20T15:46:00.000-03:00

" Porteños are always late because they use public transportation, so there is no way they can be sure that the buses/trains/subways are going to be on time; there is always a problem with them (public transportation, of course)"

I´ve heard this theory from an expat who was trying to explain and justify our not so good habit of being late. I immediately disagreed with him, and I explained why. I told him the case of My dear friend P-face, 25, porteña, Caucasian who is always late . She started using taxi cabs to solve her tardiness problem. Every morning she would arrive at her work at least 15 minutes late, until she discovered that using a cab she would only be 10 minutes late. So now, after that experience, she´s learned her lesson: she only uses taxi cabs.

She is still late, of course, in fact I´m waiting for her right now. I guess there something about the genes...Dunno

But this morning I discovered that sometimes public transportation can be 100% guilty for our tardiness. And I´m not talking about demonstrations, or traffic jams, that impede the normal circulation, no. I´m taking about Insane bus drivers with an extra help

10.20 AM. I´m in the bus stop. I don´t take his line so often. I don´t know how often it comes.

10.25 AM A police patrol parks exactly in the space saved for the buses. One officer gets off the vehicle and enters into a coffee store

10.27 AM The bus is one block away from the stop. The policeman is coming from the coffee store with 2 paper glasses and a little package (Pastries?). He gets in the vehicle while the bus is waiting for them to move.

10.29 AM The patrol is back on the road, the neighbourhood is safe. The policemen are happy with their free breakfast and we, the passengers are kind of happy that at least we can get on the bus where is not as freezing as in the street.

10.35 AM Everything normal. Low traffic. Happy passengers picturing themselves arriving at their activities on time, or even arriving a little earlier and drinking a cup of tea (in my case).

10.36 AM the bus drivers starts to yell. The passengers look at each other with surprise (not because this is not common. We are in shock because the bus driver is getting up from his sit and threatening the other driver in a very rude language that includes some words that I´ve never heard before while he aproaches to the door.)

10.41 AM The bus driver realizes that he has to continue with the ride for the sake of his passengers (or maybe he was not as brave as made us believe, seriously, we were expecting a street fight)

10.50 AM The bus driver, probably a little bit stressed out after the fight, has a great idea: He needs some time to relax. He pulls over in front of a kiosk, he leaves the keys in the bus and he gets off. In the kiosk he meets a friend and he buys a pack of cigarettes. He lights a cigarette and smokes half of it. The rest of it he rather smoke it on the bus (and that´s what he did).

10.55 AM We continue with our lovely ride, now also enjoying the perfume of the bus driver´s tobacco.

11.00 AM I should be in my class right now. But I guess that my destiny is to be in this bus, with this crazy driver. Images of those movies where a plane is about to crash and people are screaming all over the place come to my mind.

11.10 AM The driver finally understands that he has to rush. Unfortunately he found out about this when it was my time to get off the bus. So instead of pulling over in my stop, and in order to not miss the green light, he left me 3 blocks away from where he should have dropped me. Nice.

11.16 AM I arrived at my class almost 20 minutes late. I don´t even bother to explain why. Nobody ask either. They know that they could be next.

Buenos Aires through my eyes

UPDATE: Not working for a while

Summer activities

Top 5: "Questions frequently asked by tourists"

Kill these people. Seriously. Kill them

Job offers for expats

Hi!

Be a responsible tourist

Feliz Navidad

Just say Hola

The Night of the museums...

The day of the cafes

In a good mood

Erotic BA

Tango Festival Starting Today

Salud!

Influenza

Buying Property in BA

Buenos Aires Polo Circo

A Musical Break

Topless Party

Argentine Folkloric Music

ARTEBA

Now it´s your turn to see them suffering

Need a job?

Week of the prostate in Buenos Aires

Homeless Art

Missing Dog

Being a bad ass has it benefits

St. Patrick´s Day

Don´t miss!!! Really, don´t even think about not going!!!

Flamenco Festival in Buenos Aires

Help children while you get drunk

Carnaval 09

Movies al Fresco

Wisdom starts at $3,80

Misbehaving

My Christmas Story

Festival Buen Día

V Contemporary Dance Festival

Breast Cancer Is Sexy!!! (in BA at least)

Chess & Tango

I´m back

I'm in NY, so forget about my tours till late November

Democrats in BA

Read more about me

This is just great

The worst of Buenos Aires: Why not?

Bitch tours NYC

10º Tango Festival

Where to eat paying 2001 prices: La Aromatica

Financial Times Magazine

Taxi cab driver who works with his dog

Touching

Big-mac Index

Milanesa a la napolitana con papas fritas

Starbucks...

San Telmo through my eyes

Butting Diva? Pleeease

Is she porteña?

Why is this week so important for our country?

Theater Colon turns 100

Read about me in The Argentimes

Don´t bite the hand that feeds you

Café Aroma: Why?

If I were you I´d...

Tourists and Toilets

Guide to getting laid in BA

Homeless tour guide

Desesperada!!!

Heroes in the city

Great news!!!

Jajaja

Spit it out

Buy my magazine. NOW!

Tons of love

Searching for the Authentic

The Guide to tacky Buenos Aires part 1

The uncool party TODAY

Living with a porteño roomate