Read about me in The Argentimes

So, there is an article about me and my tours in The Argentimes. You can get it for free or you can download it at their website. It´s in the edition #37 page 25.

see you

Don´t bite the hand that feeds you

This is what every Porteño should say...
























From Wipe magazine May 2008 edition

Café Aroma: Why?

Why would anyone choose to go to his place? We have a ton of beautiful, authentic, old, new, cafes why would you choose this one?

Their coffee is ok I have to admit, but...

1. Service.

What´s the point in going to a cafe when you have to ask for the coffee at the counter? You are probably thinking "this diva doesn´t understand the concept of fast food" You are wrong! I do understand that concept, but this place is not like MCdonalds where food is fast for real. There were 3 people behind eh counter. The cashier who was also in charge of putting the croissants, cakes, whatever in you tray, then the coffee maker girl, who was operating a machine that could make 5 coffees at the same time but apparently she didn´t know how to prepare more than 1 at a time, and a guy scratching his private parts with total impunity . I spent about 15 minutes waiting for my cafe au lait (why in french?) and he maybe 5 more till the girl charged me.

2. Food

They don´t have Sugar and spice cookies. WRONG!!! Plus I went here at 8.30 am and they had already run out of croissants, can you believe that? 89,9% of porteños eat that for breakfast, haven´t they thought about that? Buy 6000 croissants and 12 raisin cookies, not the other way around, Aroma manager

3.Ambient

I cannot stand fake wood, and they have it all over the place ,which, by the way, has no personality at all, like the crap they serve.

4. Coolness

Nonexistent (except for he few minutes I spent in there).

5. Cleanness

There are 2 types of cleanness. A- Clean B- So damn clean that smells like a private hospital. This is the type B. But they didn´have toilet paper when I went.

5. Other things

They have those big fridges where you can grab bottled water and other beverages, that later you have to pay at the counter. So far is the same process hat in any kiosk, so what´s the difference? That they charge you double.

If I were you I´d...

Read my suggestions on what to do in Buenos Aires in the latest edition of Time Out magazine.

That´s it.



Do it.



NOW!!!

Tourists and Toilets

I live in San Telmo now. I´m not alone, I share my neighbourhood with a lot of tourists. I go to the bars and cafes in San Telmo almost every day. Tourists too. I use the public restrooms in San telmo. Tourists too. I don´t walk around with my pants down on the public restrooms. Tourists do!!!

Holly crap, I´m seeing a lot more butts than what I´m used to. Is this running around in a public bathroom showing your butt something that only happens one week a year? Is this like an anglo saxon tradition I´ve never heard of? Because I don´t like it, and I´ll do whatever it takes to avoid watching such a show.

Monday. I went to the bathroom. I do my thing. As I´m leaving the toilet, the door next to mine suddenly opens and I see a 2o something year old girl saying something to me. I pretend I didn´t hear and I walk away so she raises her voice forcing me to look at her. She was sited in thetoilet with her pants down asking for toilet paper. Of course I pretended that I didn´t understand what she was saying and I run away as fast as I could. After that I had to return to my table where my cafe con leche and medialunas were waiting for me. I hated her, I couldn´t get her I-dont-Know-How-To-Clean-My-Butt-in-a-foreign-country face out of my mind.

Saturday, Recoleta, La Biela ( a famous cafe where you pay 42 pesos for a salad). I open the door and there she was, with her touristy shorts wide open and falling off her butt. Apparently (this is what I guessed), she unbuttoned her shorts and she noticed that there was no toilet paper, so she decided that it was OK to walk around in the bathroom showing her flaccid butt to the rest of the world.Personally, I don´t think is a normal behaviour, but maybe is just because I didn´t share many bathrooms with tourists.

Guide to getting laid in BA

Hey, I wrote an article for a very cool website. It´s about getting laid in Buenos Aires, so you NEED to read it.
Here is the link
http://matadornights.com/guide-to-getting-laid-in-buenos-aires/

Homeless tour guide

Not anymore!

Desesperada!!!

Hi. Well, I was looking for inspiration on Craig´s list, but I found something better. A master piece. An x-ray into a porteña´s brain. I don´t want to say too much, just read it:

Advice on dating someone I really liked - w4m - 40

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-558122896@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-31, 8:08AM ART


I met someone 3 weeks ago. I´m from here but he is from other country. I can say that we both belong to the same continent. Our ages are similar. We haven´t seen each other much. You may be asking yourself what the complication is...

He made it clear he liked me. I do like him. But...

I FEEL I BLEW IT!!!
Reasons?

> He gave no signs of asking me out again (funny if he´d said he´d found me good looking)
> His last goodbye was cold (no comment about calling me again or writing me etc.) i was hoping for a kiss but is it soon for a man from other culture?
> He never asked about my plans for coming days
> up to now no calls o messages (2 days after we saw each other last time)

Positive points about him to me:
> it was/is clear that he was not dating anyone (he lives alone)
> he never "no" to my suggestion to see each other-responded fast to my suggestions
> listened to me
> looked at me
> he enthiusiasticallyl agreed to see each other (3 times, first short outing)

About me?

> I haven´t dated in a long time, therefore I became/become very impersonal
> I never asked him what his likes where (just found out after I´d seen him last, how stupid of me!)
> I kept talking about general stuff
> I shifted my eyes too many times (Because his are so beautiful...)
> I cannot read him since he is from other country WORST PART!!!!!!!!!
> I have problems with signals from him in general BAD!!!
> I kept thinking how much i´d like to see him more to get to know him better (then losing concentration on the moment i was spending there and then with him)
> I continued thinking about his comment about me being goodlooking (thoght it was just a remark to get close to me)

i sincerely think that if i sent him a simple e-mail, suggesting that we could see each other again, he maybe is going to tell me to find other "chat buddy" or maybe he is going to be more polite saying that he is busy at the moment. This would certainly kill me!!! it would be the end!!!

I liked him. To me he is attractive. He is caring -to me he was-. He listened to me. His eyes are something from other world (should I tell him?) His hair colour is very nice too. He is (apparently) wellbalanced. He knows what he wants. He is focused. The type of man I need. I like him physically too


I am not the type to be so open and say such things to a man but... what signals should i have given him to make him understand that I like him?
would i be a fool if i call or write him to suggest to see each other (with an excuse?) what are the signals expected? I have never dated a man from his country. what are the signals in his country from woman?

Is it over and done with in the mind of a man from this country? -developed one-

I feel a fool.
He is no fool.
Am i a looser? have i lost him? should i have to wait? how long?

Heroes in the city

This is a story of human kindness. A story that will bring tears to your eyes.
This is the story about a stupid girl who locked herself out of the apartment without noticing it (she forgot the keys inside) an when she came back half-drunk from a party at 2.30 am, she searched for the keys for half an hour till she realized that she was in trouble. This is the story about me being an airhead!
So, I never lock the door. I live in a building with a lot of security, and that makes me feel safe enough.
When I came back from the party and I realized that I couldn’t get in, one of the security guards gave me the phone number of a cerrajero (locksmith) so I called him. He said he would be in my place in 10 minutes, so I got to spend time talking with the security guards for the first time. I have to say they are really fun. They told me stories about the people from the building. Like, there is a group of old people, who comes down from their apartment at 7.50 pm, just to make sure that the tennis court is closed exactly at 8pm (bitches). This same group, wants to force an internal "law" so people with kids and pets can’t walk through the hall with them after 8 pm. apparently, for this people, life ends at 8pm. Get real! You are in Buenos Aires. You live in the middle of the city. All your neighbors are at least 30 years younger than you. Buy plasma and stop bothering us. I want to play tennis after 8pm!!!!
Anyway, all this blah blah is just to give you my recommendation of this locksmith who will go to your place at 2, 3, 5 am or whenever you need. I don’t even know his name, but this is his number: 155.966.2119

Great news!!!

Are you back in the States and you are missing Argentina? You´ve tried with Dulce de leche and mate but you are still nostalgic? well, don´t worry, the best party in BA will be in your country this spring. Yeap, ZIZEK party, is touring around USA. For more infor check their website

Jajaja

Spit it out

Companies always have a person (or a whole department)that handles the complaints from their customers and they use that information to improve their service. This is something common. But have you heard about companies that encourage their employees to complaint about their customers, in fact they give them the power to yell at them in their face? Well, in Buenos Aires , Metrovias (our cutting-edge subway company) is "testing" this new method. Their chofers had to deal with lots of stress, anger and angst, so one of the geniouses of the company had a great idea: Lets give them a microphone so they can spit out their thoughts to all the passengers! And that´s what they do.
Usually, those microphones are used to comunicate that the next stop is the last one, or that there´s been an accident, things like that, but Buenos Aires is different, we like to express ourselves, so when a porteño has a microphone available, he/she will fearlessly use it. So do the chofers.

This are some of the phrases I´ve heard while I was on a subway.

*You use the subway everyday, haven´t you learned how to use it properly?
*I don´t understand you people, you have a million doors and you all try to go through the same one. what´s in your brain?
*Hey, bro, haven´t you heard the beep? You don´t have to get in the train AFTER THE BEEP!!!!!!!!AFTER THE BEEP!!!!!!!!!!
*(after someone almost got traped by a door)I´m surprised with the lack of intelligence of the people(unclear cursing, mentioning a female parrot´s private part....)

So, next time you use the subways, pay atention to the drivers, maybe they are calling you
C...sucker and you didn´t pay attention...

Buy my magazine. NOW!

Hi, me and some friends have published a magazine. You can be one of the lucky ones who will own the first issue. I wrote a great article about speed dating in BA. Then we also have a lot of interesting articles like...well, buy it and find out for yourself.

Is not that we want to make money out of this, but we need to sell them in order to print the second issue; so come on! don´t be a cheapskate and support young, smart, fun and great people from Buenos Aires (that is to say, support Me)

It only costs 6 pesos and It´s in spanish, so you will be able to practice everything you´ve learned.

Thank you

Tons of love

Wow, I never noticed how much sex people have in BA. At least all my neighbours. For the first time in my life, I´m living in a very tall and huge building with thin walls and belive me that sometimes sex noises are so loud that it´s almost uncomfortable. Yesterday my neighbours were having sex in the balcony, only 70 cm away from my balcony (and yes, I saw them, they were completely naked and they weren´t trying to hide anything). Plus, there is another huge building across the street and I also have a very good "view". More or less at 9pm, everybody walks around naked (probably after they take a shower), and 3 hours later the love making starts. Aparently there is some sort of general routine, or maybe those are the rules of that building: sex from 11pm to 1.30 am, walking around naked from 9pm to 11pm.
I don´t have any scientific conclusion yet, but I guess I´ll have to continue with my investigation.

One more thing; the pictures for this blog have been censored, sorry...

Searching for the Authentic

The other day I went to a little restaurant I used to go all the time, but then I got a little tired so i didn´t go for a while. My friend was coming to visit me from the states so I thought it would be a quiet charming place where we could talk for hours. I was wrong.
When we got there all the tables were taken so we waited outside longer than usual. Later, the waiter called us so we went to our table. As I crossed the room I heard about 3 different languages. Then, I looked around and I saw a scary amount of guide books on the tables. It was sad. And not because the tourists were invading "my" little restaurant but because they were looking all over the place searching for something that was no longer there: the authenticity. They were waiting for something to happpen, something funnny or crazy, or with "local flavour" or maybe just trying to discover why would someone list that place on a guide book. Probably when the writer went there a year ago or so, the place was still charming, but unhappily now it´s just another touristy restaurant.
I´m kind of concerned. I think that travelling involves more than just whitnessing "locals" doing their stuff and trying to be there taking pictures of the extrange culture.
So my advice is...

BITCH TOURS

The Guide to tacky Buenos Aires part 1

Every guide book about Buenos Aires already covers the tackyest place in Buenos Aires, that is to say, La Boca, but what about the rest of the tackyness? Who is writing about those places ? Not a lot of people. But don´t worry, I´m coming to the rescue. Here you have the best (and only) guide to tacky BA.

The first chapter is my way of saying merry Christmas to all of you!!!


The guide

Buenos Aires is not just an European style city with lots of art and stylish people, as many guide books say. It´s also a paradise of cheesyness and bad taste, even though some people want to hide it or pretend that it doesn´t exist, tackynees is all around us. I invite you to be part of that side of Buenos aires and experience the GRASA ( Grasa [adj, gender invariable] (lit. ‘grease’): kitsch, ridiculous, tasteless (a person, esp. in the lower classes); rude, uneducated) side of Buenos Aires.

1- Tierra Santa: Religious themed Park

"Why we never thought about building a religious themed park?"A Disney CEO said to himelf when he heard about Tierra Santa. And it took him only 2 seconds to find the answer: "Because it´s tacky!!!"
Thank god, that CEO doesn´t live in Buenos Aires, and someone else thought that Tierra Santa would be a good idea.
This park is the best option if you ever wondered whether angels have or not nipples ( I anticipate the answer; they do!!! ). Also you´ll discover that things were not that different when Jesus was alive. People ate Pizza just like us and even went to the Gym ( I know this because I saw a body builder next to baby Jesus). And some of the people from Jerusalem used to smoke Lucky strike just like me!!!
If you are a believer, this place will renew you faith ( as I read in their brochure). You will be able to whitness the resurrection, not 1 but 16 times a day, so if you don´t believe in Jesus after that, start thinking about an eternity in hell...




Eve on her knees; I wonder what she is about to do...


Body-building, not only a 20th century sport


Nipples: angels have them


Double cheese Pizza, a classic back in the old days

The uncool party TODAY

Today The uncool hunter and NAH! are throwing a party where I´m definitly going.

Where: Niceto Club

When: Today 9 PM

Living with a porteño roomate

There are a lot of things to say about this matter, and I do say them but not on my blog.

Read the second part of my article in what´s up BA (they added some great pictures!)

Bananas are dangerous fruits

Buying bananas in Buenos Aires can be a weird/disgusting/pornographic activity; so before you do it, read the following dialogue with the Verdulero (the guy that sells vegetables and fruits, is there a word for that in English?)

Verdulero: What are you looking for?
Me: Bananas
Verdulero (with a nasty look on his face): Do you like´em big?
Me (pretending that he was not an ass): Whatever, as long as they are ripe
Verdulero( with an even nastier look): Oh yeah? You like to eat ripe banana?

I don´t need to say that I left before he even finished saying that...

So next time, when you are craving for a banana, think twice.

Things we say (and its real meaning)

1.I'll call you
If I ever see you around, maybe I'll say hi

2.It's my treat
I'll be paying, ok ,but I'll be expecting you to offer to split the bill. And if you insist, well, it's your treat then...

3.It´s my fault
If you hadn't done that I wouldn't have made a mistake in the first place

4.The party starts at 12, but everybody will arrive at 1
If you come before 1, you´ll have to help me to arrange everything and I won´t pay you attention

5.I know what I´m saying
I´ve heard that on a TV program or someone told me about it, I don´t remember accurately...

6.The deadline is Tuesday at noon? Got it!
If I work all Wednesday night, I´ll probably finish it

7.I´ve been working really hard lately
I´m taking just 1 coffee/cigarette break an hour

8.You think I´m wrong?
You are stupid! Hahahaha